Archive for Hans Gruber

What would happen if Alan Rickman’s characters in Love Actually and Die Hard switched places?

Posted in BATTLES with tags , , , , on December 16, 2016 by Ross McG

 

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This article first appeared on Metro.co.uk

It’s rather strange, given that he stars in two of the greatest festive films ever made, that Alan Rickman once declared on screen that we should call off Christmas.

Let’s put the late, great Rickman’s bah-humbugging in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves aside for a moment, however, and concentrate on his roles in Love Actually and Die Hard.

These two very different Christmas movies (one says you should follow your heart; the other that you should follow terrorists around in your bare feet) have one thing in common: Rickman rocks.

In Die Hard, he plays Hans Gruber, an exceptional thief and lover of nice suits who uses his benefits of a classical education to hold up Nakatomi Plaza in LA on Christmas Eve.

In Love Actually, he is Harry, a disgruntled middle-aged MD of a design agency who dabbles in a spot of extra-marital flirting with his secretary before holding up a queue in Selfridges in London while buying some jewellery.

In many filmgoers’ eyes, both characters are as villainous as Rickman’s Sheriff of Nottingham, but have you ever imagined what might happen if Hans and Harry swapped movies?

No? Well that’s too bad, because I have, so you’re just going to have to lump it.

THIS DECEMBER…

COMES A STORY…

ABOUT A MAN…

AND ANOTHER MAN…

AT THE WRONG PARTY…

AT THE WRONG CHRISTMAS TIME…

BRUCE WILLIS IS JOHN MCCLANE…

AND ALAN RICKMAN IS HARRY…

IN…

DIE ACTUALLY

It’s Christmas Eve in Los Angeles. NYPD detective John McClane (Willis) turns up at his wife’s work in Nakatomi Plaza. Little does he know that an armed gang of German thieves have taken over the building. And little does he know that he isn’t the only unexpected guest at the party, pal…

Harry (Rickman) was in the building giving a design pitch to Nakatomi president Joseph Takagi, but couldn’t get out again to catch his flight back to London because someone got stuck in the elevator.

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Now, John and Harry will have to put their differences aside and team up to foil the heist. One enjoys exercising in nothing but a dirty vest; the other prefers a fine wine while wearing a trench coat. Can these two unlikely heroes come together to save the day?

It’s not going to be easy, but taking down terrorists at Christmas never is. It’s time to lock… and load. Let’s find out what happened When Harry Met Johnny.

The pair are kept apart initially by a series of explosive events. McClane, the ultimate lone wolf, must go to the rooftop of Nakatomi Tower to save a group of hostages by waving a machine gun around.

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Harry came out to the coast, got together with someone, had a few laughs (Pictures: Fox/Universal/Metro)

Meanwhile, Harry is downstairs having a dance with Mr Takagi’s new secretary. The conversation turns to seasonal gifts. He quips: ‘Christmas shopping, never an easy or a pleasant task.’

It’s high-octane stuff.

John eventually turns to Harry for help, calling him repeatedly on his walkie-talkie to ask for back-up. Harry, however, isn’t interested.

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That secretary is giving him all the signs so he makes up some lame excuse to McClane and hangs out downstairs a little longer.

John isn’t very happy about this.

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John is obsessed with taking down terrorists, but Harry just wants to get the girl. Christmas is a time for romance, he tells his new pal, even in a tense hostage situation.

In the end, Harry has to make the ultimate choice – does he save his new partner’s life when he is staring down the barrel of a gun, or does he take the chance to pop back down to the party and ask that secretary how far away her apartment is? Or does he just scream like a big baby?

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Harry thinks he and John might need some more FBI guys (Pictures: Fox/Universal/Metro)

Harry’s decision is eventually taken out of his hands, when the secretary reveals she is the mastermind behind the heist. He takes it all in good humour, telling her: ‘Right, the Christmas hostage crisis. Not my favorite night of the year, and your unhappy job to organise.’

She pulls a gun on Harry and it looks like it’s curtains for our unlikely hero, especially as John is picking glass out from between his toes in a bathroom.

But Harry has a surprise up his sleeve… or, rather, taped to his back. He pulls his own weapon and points it at her. They stare into each other’s eyes for a second… squeeze their fingers on the triggers… and then… BAM! They throw their weapons to the ground and embrace, before having one last dance.

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Their love has overcome machine guns, rancid vests, bloody feet and terrorist takeovers.

The lift is finally working again, so they take it down to the bottom floor and prepare to get on that flight back to London.

John is waiting downstairs. Watching them walk out the revolving doors, hand-in-hand, McClane lights a cigarette, smiles and whispers to himself… ‘Happy trails, Harry.’

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FROM ONE OF THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS AND TWO OF THE SEVEN WRITERS WHO BROUGHT YOU DIE ACTUALLY

COMES THE FESTIVE FEELGOOD FILM OF THE YEAR…

ALAN RICKMAN IS…

HANS GRUBER…

IN…

LONDON…

IN…

LOVE HARD

It’s five weeks before Christmas, and the British prime minister David Something (Hugh Grant) is banging on about how great airports are. He obviously hasn’t been through passport control post-Brexit. ‘Love is everywhere,’ he says. ‘Love actually is all around.’

At that precise moment, 27 passengers vomit, and a mysterious figure steps into the arrivals hall.

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It’s Hans Gruber (Rickman), and he has travelled to London to do one thing: pick up some new suits at John Phillips.

But when he spots the prime minister hanging around the airport without his security detail, Gruber seizes his opportunity.

Posing as a German diplomat, he persuades Call Me Dave to bring him back to 10 Downing Street.

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Most. Awkward. Double. Date. Ever. (Pictures: Fox/Universal/Metro)

After the PM has stopped flirting with Natalie (Martine McCutcheon) for a few minutes to concentrate on slightly more important things, like running the country, Gruber pulls a gun on him and subjects him to a humiliating ordeal.

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Gruber has concocted a plan – and the only person who can help him fulfil it is the prime minister. He wants to track down the most annoying people in Britain and erase them from the face of the planet.

Under unspeakable duress and forced to listen to the Girls Aloud cover of The Pointers Sister hit Jump (for My Love) for more than two minutes, Dave cracks and surreptitiously enlists the help of MI5 to allow Gruber to carry out his plan.

Within seconds, the military intelligence agency has supplied the contact information for Britain’s most irritating inhabitants.

Gruber is aghast as he rifles through their files. There’s this guy…

(Picture: Universal)

… and this guy…

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… and this kid.

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Gruber is more determined than ever to complete his mission. He pays a visit to ageing rock lothario Billy Mack (played by Bill Nighy doing Bill Nighy) and makes him dance at gunpoint, just like he did with the PM.

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‘I’m going to count to three… there will not be a four.’ (Pictures: Fox/Universal/Metro)

But the old geezer’s moves make Hans think of the true meaning of Christmas. He spares Bill Nighy (Bill Nighy) but vows to take retribution on jewellery salesman Rufus (Rowan Atkinson).

However, when he arrives in Selfridges, Christmas shopping is in full swing and there’s no way he can kill Rufus in front of so many potential witnesses.

Unfortunately for Hans, MI5 are now on to him, and a dozen agents pile into the department store and a shoot-out ensues.

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Gruber does his best to shoot the glass at the front of the store so he can make his exit, but then someone catches his eye.

It’s Sarah (Laura Linney), and Hans bubby decides he wants to be her white knight. Emitting one last blast of covering fire at MI5’s finest, he dives across the shop floor and whisks Sarah away from danger.

She invites him back to her place and they fall truly, madly, deeply in love. He has a read through Time Magazine while she takes a moment to contain her excitement at meeting such an eligible bachelor.

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And then he turns on the charm…

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… and tells her he wants to give up his life of exceptional theft for her.

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She asks him his name. ‘Bill,’ he says.

‘What, Bill Nighy?’ she asks.

‘No darling. Not Bill Nighy. Bill Clay.’

After spending four weeks together, Hans changes his name legally to Bill and walks out of the deed poll office a new person.

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He and Sarah celebrate by going to a local school’s Christmas production, and Hans/Bill doesn’t kill anyone, not even that little obnoxious kid playing the drums. In fact, he removes the bullets from his gun as soon as he takes his seat.

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Hands up if you love Hans (Picture: Fox/Universal/Metro)

And finally, filled with intoxicating combined joys of love and Christmas, he cannot resist posting an update from his newly renamed Twitter account…

THE END.

OR IS IT….?

AUDIENCES HAVE BEEN LEFT DAZZLED BY DIE ACTUALLY AND LOVE HARD

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AND NOW…

SOME BIG NEWS…

COMING TO CINEMAS AT CHRISTMAS 2018…

DIE, ACTUALLY 2: RETURN OF THE KILLER COMMA

AND…

LOVE HARD 2: HOW GRUBER GOT HIS GROOVE BACK

 

Poetry in Motion Pictures: Die Hard

Posted in Poetry in Motion Pictures with tags , , , , on September 23, 2013 by Ross McG

Have you ever watched one of your favourite movies and thought, ‘You know what, I’d love to see that turned into a short poem’? Er, no, didn’t think so. Well tough, that’s exactly what you’re going to get here. Continue reading

Happy Trails Hans: Tron Legacy

Posted in HAPPY TRAILS HANS with tags , , , , on March 11, 2010 by Hans Gruber

It’s hard work writing about trailers. Especially when two big ones come along in one week. Fresh from giving Iron Man a good ironing over, here I am giving Tron Legacy a good tronning. Continue reading

Happy Trails Hans: Iron Man 2

Posted in HAPPY TRAILS HANS with tags , , , , , on March 10, 2010 by Hans Gruber

Time to get down to business again. This time with Tony Stark. For a weapons manufacturer who doesn’t like manufacturing weapons any more, he has manufactured a pretty impressive weapon… Continue reading

Happy Trails Hans: Deadfall Trail

Posted in HAPPY TRAILS HANS with tags , , , , , on February 17, 2010 by Hans Gruber

China is a major world power now but to get a really good suit you have to go to London… I could talk about industrialisation and men’s fashion all day, but I’m afraid work must intrude. Today I’m running my eye over the trailer for three-guys-in-the-woods thriller Deadfall Trail. Watch the trailer and read my verdict after the jump. Continue reading

Happy Trails Hans… Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps

Posted in HAPPY TRAILS HANS with tags , , , , , , on February 1, 2010 by Hans Gruber

This week I’m running my keen eye over the return of Gordon Gekko, probably the second best villain in 80s cinema. If you need to ask who is first then we could have a problem… Continue reading

Happy Trails Hans: The A-Team

Posted in HAPPY TRAILS HANS with tags , , , , , on January 21, 2010 by Hans Gruber

I am an exceptional thief. And I’m also an exceptional reviewer of movie trailers. This time round, I’m putting Hannibal, Face, Murdock and BA through their paces. Yippee-ki-yay. Continue reading

Happy Trails Hans: Clash of the Titans

Posted in HAPPY TRAILS HANS with tags , , , , , , on November 13, 2009 by Hans Gruber

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John Wayne? Rambo? Marshall Dillon? No, it’s super terrorist and exceptional thief Hans Gruber, back on RvR to take a look at the latest trailers. Continue reading