Happy Trails Hans: Clash of the Titans
Sand. Persian looking fellows. That’s Jake Gyllenhaal, I am correct? This must be that awful Prince of Persia rubbish – turn it off, it offends me. That’s surely a Gorgon, stolen from the myth of Perseus? Are there no depths Walt will not sink to? I hear you, Pete Postlethwaite: somebody must say ‘enough’. Hmmm…perhaps this burly chap will? It looks like Sam Worthington from that last Terminator film. Oh the music has just jumped ahead a few millennia. There’s that chap in the cloak pointing at me again.
Ah. Giant scorpions. Dragons. Is that a godly Liam Neeson? This is more like it. This music is very Muse – this is earning points by the second. Scorpions again, this time assisting percussion. That thing’s from Pan’s Labyrinth. The camerawork is very fast – I was under the impression that action films were only permitted to be shot in slow motion?
TITANS. WILL. CLASH. Oh Dear. And it was going so well. STARS WILL WAR. FICTION WILL PULP. LOST ARKS WILL BE RAIDED. SUSPECTS WILL BE USUAL. PRIVATE RYAN WILL BE SAVED. COUPLES WILL RETREAT.
Actually, it’s genius, it works with anything.
VERDICT: Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho.