Ross v Ross

The world needs another vampire movie like it needs a hole in the neck. Or two. Twilight haters could be forgiven for rolling their eyes at the trailer for Byzantium. It features another pale mopey teenager and a family of centuries-old vampires. But wait! It’s directed by Neil Jordan! And stars Saoirse Ronan! And best of all, the vampires seem to kill not by using their fangs, but with their gross pointy fingernails! Can they do that? I think they just did!

5. Catwoman

What sort of a Catwoman would Catwoman be without claws? There’s only a whisker between Michelle Pfeiffer and Anne Hathaway as to who made the best Selena Kyle, and while we LOVE Anne’s google-come-ears, Michelle pinches it by packing some pretty pointy pinkies (um, and her other eight fingers too). While they seem to be made of bits of wire stuck onto some thimbles, they somehow become retractable when she fights a would-be rapist. Nevertheless, they’re formidable enough to stab Batman in the gut through his big rubber six pack. Heck, in the video game Injustice, she can even scratch the face off Superman!

4. Han

Responsible for arguably the most famous movie wound of all time – The iconic image of Bruce Lee scratched to feck from Enter the Dragon. You wanna be good to get a few slaps in on Bruce Lee. Lets not forget that Bruce Lee kicked Chuck Norris’s ass. And let’s not forget that Han was carrying a pretty big handicap – he did only have one hand after all. While that unwieldy looking block claw he attaches at the end is the one that did the damage, I’d personally rather face that than his gross bronze fake hand, or his gross hairy coconut claw. He’s obviously very wealthy – surely he could afford some regular normal looking prosthesis? Nevertheless, I still theorise Bruce let him scratch him up because he predicted – correctly – that he would look even more badass.

3. Freddy Krueger

All credit to Freddy – Homebase is an excellent shopping choice for nightmare terrorisation tools. Pitchforks, shears, lawnmowers (thank you Peter Jackson and Braindead) but the bladed glove was an inspired choice. Apparently, creator Wes Craven got the idea from watching his cat. Not ideal when your absentmindedly scratch your face, especially when you’re carrying as many open wounds as ol melty face. Also, opponents can always simply remove his glove rending him a mere child molester. Or remove his hand altogether, as has happened to poor Freddy on more than one occasion.

Anyway, we’ve seen billions of clips of Freddy in action – here’s that lawnmowers scene instead!

2. Edward Scissorhands

Is it weird that people fancied this dude so much? I mean, I know, it’s Johnny Depp and all but seriously – the guy has massive scissors for hands. Why does everyone hate Freddy Krueger but love this guy? Same scarred face, same monotonous wardrobe. At least Freddy had one normal hand. And don’t give me that nonsense about murder and what not – Edward killed a guy too you know. One thing Eddie couldn’t cut was the umbilical cord between Johnny Depp and Tim Burton…

1. Wolverine

Who else could possibly occupy the top spot? In a comicbook world of limitless powers, it always amuses me when surveys throw up adamantium claws among the most desirable. For who hasn’t held three kitchen knives and walked around the house (no running allowed, obviously) hunched and growling? Although Logan has an accelerated mutant healing factor, animal-like instincts and senses, has a metal skeleton, is over 100 years old and is even Canadian, it’s still his fancy claws that get all the attention at parties. Of course, there is an obvious problem with having accelerated healing and retractable claws that pop out of your knuckles – that’s gonna hurt every time. Wolverine actually has bone claws beneath this shiny adamantium ones – and you can bet none of the other X-Men make fun of his ‘retractable bone’.

This entry was posted on May 28, 2013 at 9:04 pm and is filed under TOP FIVES with tags Byzantium, Movies, Neil Jordan, Vampires. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.