Star Wars characters who won’t get their own spin-off but should: Jar Jar Binks

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Disney has confirmed that the spin-offs from its planned Star Wars trilogy will be ‘origin’ stories. You know, like Batman Begins, but with lightsabers.

A host of the series key characters are being lined up to get their own spin-off movie, with the likes of Yoda, Han Solo and Boba Fett topping the bill.

But what about those unsung Star Wars heroes, the guys who appear one moment in the first six movies and are Bantha fodder the next? Wouldn’t you like to see one of those guys get their own spin-off? We know we would.

In Part 4 of our six-part series, we examine the most repulsive water-dweller since The Floater in Caddyshack…

Name: Jar Jar Binks.

Seen in: The Phantom Menace.

Occupation: Bombad Army General (formerly kitchen hand, subsequently Galactic Senator).

Species: Gungan.

Features: Lanky, pink-skinned, stupid walk, stupider voice. Ears ‘like dreadlocks’, according to the racist stereotype camp.

Dialogue: Very, very, very annoying. Me-sa hates it, you-sa hates it, even the paradigm of patience Jedi Master wanted to cut his tongue out.

Notable contributions: Pivotal influence on the fate of the entire galaxy. Led the Jedi to Gungan army which eventually helped defeat the Separatists on Naboo, which became the catalyst for creating the clone army; was the reason Qui Gon Jinn and thus eventually Obi Wan met Anakin Skywalker, which ultimately resulted in Darth Vader overseeing the slaughtering millions across the galaxy; originally propsed emergency powers to Supreme Chancellor Valorum which were eventually passed to Emperor Palpatine. Basically, it’s all Jar Jar’s fault.

Origins: Jar Jar’s father George envisioned him becoming a successful whaler on Naboo, but he ended up crashing and sinking their ship on his first hunt. His father even attempted suicide in disappointment. Was kicked out of school, tried and failed in a number of jobs before becoming a busker and eventually a street thief. While working as a kitchen hand in Gungan ruler Boss Nass’s mansion, he caused an explosion that flooded the property, which was the cause of his exile from Otoh Gunga… which is what he was doing when Obi Wan and Qui Gon ran into him.

Actor: Ahmed Best was drafted after the casting director spotted him in Stomp. He wore a foam suit to give actors a point of reference and was later replaced by the CG version. Originally only meant to provide body movements, he offered to try his voice while on set… and somebody liked it.

Potential spin-off: A harrowing drama showing the hardships of one Gungan’s life on the run, struggling to make a living without an education, forced to survive on the mean streets of Otoh Gunga, haunted by the memory of his father’s attempted suicide… all with the comedic timing of Jar Jar’s hilarious bumbling idiocy.

Likelihood: Not very. People hate him. Worse than all the Ewoks combined.

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