Star Wars characters who won’t get their own spin-off but should: Cliegg Lars

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Disney has confirmed that the spin-offs from its planned Star Wars trilogy will be ‘origin’ stories. You know, like Batman Begins, but with lightsabers.

A host of the series key characters are being lined up to get their own spin-off movie, with the likes of Yoda, Han Solo and Boba Fett topping the bill.

But what about those unsung Star Wars heroes, the guys who appear one moment in the first six movies and are Bantha fodder the next? Wouldn’t you like to see one of those guys get their own spin-off? We know we would.

In Part 5 of our six-part series, we look at yet another amputee in the extended Skywalker family…

Name: Cliegg Lars.

Seen in: Attack Of The Clones.

Occupation: Moisture farmer.

Species: Human.

Features: Craggy, old cowboy look. Missing half a leg. Uses a floaty wheelchair.

Dialogue: Gruff voice, awesome storyteller. Should have narrated the whole film.

Notable contributions: Step-grandfather to the famous Luke Skywalker, after buying his grandmother Shmi as a sex slave. CLAIMS he bought her, then fell in love with her, then freed her, then married her; a likely story. Well what would you tell her six-foot lightsaber-wielding son if he turned up on your doorstep?

Origins: His first wife Aika died when his biological son (uncle) Owen Lars was just young. Then his second sex slave, sorry, I mean wife Shmi Skywalker was abducted by Tusken Raiders (not sure what for). Anyway, Cleigg and 29 of his mates went to try and get her back… and 26 of them got killed. Worst. Rescue. Effort. Ever.

Obi Wan even later said Sandpeople frighten easily…he scared a whole gang of them off himself by making silly noises! Cliegg also lost his leg in the attempt. He might have wondered where his superpowered Jedi stepson was for all these years…

Actor: Played by Oz actor Jack Thompson, who was Australian womens’ magazine Cleo’s first ever male nude centrefold in 1974. Before marrying his wife, he was in a 15-year polyamorous relationship with her and her sister!

Potential spin-off: A Charge of the Light Brigade style look at the botched rescue attempt would be pretty awesome actually.

Likelihood: Lars And The Shmi Girl….. low, unfortunately

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