Ross v Ross

Order! Order! Matthew McConaughey may make a very good Lincoln Lawyer, but can he make you laugh? Judge now between these two jesters of the courts…

Ross McD: Liar Liar

‘You have bad breath caused by gingivitis. You couldn’t get a porn star off. Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway. I don’t know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it in lime. Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate! Slut!’

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury: you are here today not to decide whether Liar Liar mercilessly murders My Cousin Vinny when the two are compared, but rather to conclude beyond reasonable doubt that my client is the better film.

Before we begin, I would like to draw your attention to Jim Carrey’s exemplary comedic character. His record is without blemish: Ace Ventura: Pet Detective; Me, Myself & Irene; The Mask; Dumb & Dumber; The Grinch – all upstanding in their hilarity. Joe Pesci’s ‘funny’ credentials include Leo Getz in Lethal Weapon, a crime against cinema if ever there was one.

Pesci’s annoyability, however, is a mere misdemeanour when compared to Marisa Tomei’s Mona Lisa Vito, who should have got 60-to-life for that grating accent and probably death for just being the most annoying character ever. Yeah, you know about cars, we get it. Sadly, this fact is pretty much what the entire film is about and means we have to sit through Tomei warbling about connected axels and whatnot for half an hour at the film’s couldn’t-come-soon-enough demise. Objection, your honour: I don’t give a s**t.

Marisa was unhappy with Ross McD's questioning of her acting abilities

The opposing counsel, Ross McG, will undoubtedly accuse my client of ‘pulling the same rubber-faced antics’ but who else among Hollywood’s elite could have pulled this character off? Carrey’s Fletcher Reede has done a service not only to film, but to good people everywhere who just want to end a conversation before it starts. See Exhibit A: ‘What’s up?’ – ‘Your cholesterol, fatty.’ / ‘Was it good for you?’ – ‘I’ve had better.’ / ‘Do you know why I pulled you over?’ – ‘Depends on how long you were following me.’ / ‘Do you like my new dress?’ – ‘Whatever takes the focus off your head.’/ ‘How’s it hanging?’ – ‘Short, shrivelled and always to the left.’ / ‘Beauty is on the inside’ – ‘That’s just something ugly people say.’

I rest my case.

Ross McG: My Cousin Vinny

‘How ‘bout if I just kick your ass?’

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, as my first witness, I wish to call the actor Ralph Macchio to the stand. I put it to you, Mr Macchio, that you have only starred in three great movies. Exhibit A: The Karate Kid. Exhibit B: Crossroads. And last but not least, Exhibit C: My Cousin Vinny. Would you disagree with the assertion to the court today Mr Macchio that these three movies represent your finest work? No? No further questions for this witness your honour.

Not only are the two movies in question, My Cousin Vinny and Liar Liar, on trial today, but the very movie justice system itself. Not since father and daughter Gene Hackman and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio faced each other across the court in Class Action have I come across such a high-profile case.

The facts are these. My counterpart may argue that Miss Tomei, a prominent witness in this case, may not have deserved her best supporting actress Oscar for her performance here. That may be, but that does not allow this court discretion to discriminate against my client, My Cousin Vinny. You will recall, your honour, that Mr Pesci was a key member and Oscar winner from Goodfellas just two years previously, something you may wish to consider when directing the jury on this case.

'Here's some truth for you, Jim: The Majestic sucked!'

The truth is that all Mr McD has presented is spurious rumour, hearsay and conjecture. No, I don’t know what these words mean but they sound pretty important, do they not? I would like to put it to Mr Carrey that in Liar Liar he does nothing for the movie legal process. He plays with a claw and clawing sentimentality. That is the extent of his preparation. Meanwhile, my client Vinny Gambini actually teaches the audience something about the workings of the law. Mr Carrey prefers to illustrate the workings of his overacting.

Although Mr Pesci’s language may at times be a little blue for certain jury members and out of place in this courtroom, his place in the pantheon of great cinematic lawyers should not be in dispute. Your honour, not to find in favour of my client, My Cousin Vinny, would mark the grossest miscarriage of movie justice since Tom Cruise put Jack Nicholson away for mishandling the truth. I rest my case.

WHICH MOVIE IS BETTER? TELL US IN THE POLL AND COMMENTS BELOW…

This entry was posted on March 24, 2011 at 4:14 pm and is filed under BATTLES with tags Jim Carrey, Joe Pesci, Law, Liar Liar, Marisa Tomei, Movies, My Cousin Vinny, Ralph Macchio. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.