Top Five… Bond Films Where I’ve Completely Forgotten What Happens

We Rosses tend to be an unsocial lot. We barely have time to be nice to one another, so why would we bother spreading love among our fellow movie bloggers? Alas, for us, this often means we miss out on a lot of the admittedly great blogging memes that go round every once in a while. For that, we apologise, we will try harder to be better this year. Maybe. Anyway, the reason I’m rambling on about that is this post is our own little lame contribution to our good pal Paul over at Paragraph Films and his exceedingly funny James Bond January. He has been going through every one of the 261 films or whatever it is in the series, with truly entertaining results. I go to this guy’s site regularly just for his hilarious use of WordPress tags alone. He really is that good. If you get the chance, get through his Bond reviews. In the meantime, join us after the jump for Ross McG’s own little addition to JBJ. That’s James Bond January, not Jon Bon Jovi, in case you were wondering.

Hi, Ross McG here. Yes, the good Ross. Myself and the other Ross (I forget his surname) have had our fair share of James Bond battles while doing this blog. By fair share, of course, I mean two. We’ve done Casino Royale v GoldenEye, which I won. And we’ve done Goldfinger v From Russia With Love, which I also won. It helps that I know a lot more about movies than Ross McWhateverYouCallHim. But as the seven people who actually read this blog with any regularity probably well know, I am not a fan of Bond films. Only in Hollywood can you pretty much repeat the same formula over and over again for the guts of 50 years and get away with it. While there are some Bond films I like – GoldenEye, for instance, is a thrill ride of the highest calibre – most of them are disposable tosh. So disposable, in fact, that there are a number where it has totally slipped my tiny, fragile little mind what exactly took place on screen.

Which leads me to this post, almost as pointless as the films it positions in numerical order for no other reason than that people on the internet like reading things with numbers above them. These films aren’t necessarily the worst 007 entries – sadly I remember all too well Madonna’s fencing instructor and Denise Richards’ face – just the ones that are bad enough to be totally erased from my mind. So here are the five most forgettable (in every sense of the word) Bond films ever – let’s see if I can try to remember what happened in them, cos I have seen them. Just to let you know, I won’t be cheating by Googling the details! Hence the random pictures of Bond stuff.

5. For Your Eyes Only

Seriously, who’s in this one? Is it Connery or Moore? Is there a hot Russian spy who Bond sleeps with before she later dies? There must be. One in two Bond films have that. For car… I’m gonna guess Aston Martin, but considering I don’t even know who’s playing Bond there’s a chance I may be way off. I’m angered by For Your Eyes Only. I’m angry because I know nothing about it. It’s the equivalent of some guy from college coming up to you and saying, ‘Hi! Remember me?’ and you not bothering to feign recognition and just saying, ‘Uh… no.’ instead.

4. Thunderball

I’ve seen it. It might be a great Bond film for all I know. But I don’t know, because nothing in it has been deemed worthy enough to stick in my brain. Which, in this case, may say more about my brain than a big ball filled with thunder. Does he ski in Thunderball? Or was skiing just for Roger Moore?

3. The Living Daylights

Okay, the title of this blog post is slightly inaccurate. SHOCK! Because, in truth, I do remember that The Living Daylights was Timothy Dalton’s first stint as Bond. I always remember the chorus to the title song – and that it was performed by A-Ha. I remember the song because my French roommate in my first year at university had A-ha’s greatest hits. We used to fall asleep to The Sun Always Shines On TV. Good times. So yeah, I know Dalton was in it, but that’s where it ends. Who’s the bad guy? It can’t be Blofeld. It’s not Sean Bean. Sean Bean should be the bad guy in every Bond film.

2. Octopussy

Shocking title. Shocking that I can’t recall much about it. And I’ve definitely seen it a few times. Is this the one where Moore joins the circus? I’m having a flashback of him wearing a pink and black shellsuit. You know, the same kind of material those evil dudes in Superman 2 had on. Terence Stamp, great villain. He’d be a great Bond villain. He’s not in Octopussy, is he?

1. Quantum Of Solace

This one is so forgettable I almost forgot the name of it just now while typing it. It gets extra points for having nothing whatsoever memorable about it despite the fact it was released about ten minutes ago. And I’ve seen it twice! Once in the cinema because I was genuinely interested to see where the series would go after the excellent-for-an-hour-before-it-stopped-and-everyone-plays-cards Casino Royale. The second time was for DVD review purposes. Having completely forgotten what happened on first viewing, it was like watching a new Bond film. Unfortunately, after I watched it again I totally forgot the plot once more. Does Bond die in this one? Or does someone die? I’m sure someone dies. I kind of have an inkling that the plot is about water, but I also realise that no one trying to make an entertaining Bond film would make it about water. It can’t be about water. Does Bond die?



16 Responses to “Top Five… Bond Films Where I’ve Completely Forgotten What Happens”

  1. Ha ha ha, fantastic article guys, and cheers for the shout out! Especially loving the use of pictures here.

    Thunderball, OHMSS, Spy Who Loved Me & For Your Eyes Only are the ones I struggle to remember (and I watched them all a few weeks ago!). Bonus points go to Die Another Day – for being memorable but for absolutely all the wrong reasons!

  2. cheers Para. man youre a quick commenter. well done for James Bond January, its been bloody brilliant.

  3. My girlfriend stubbornly insists there are only two James Bond movies, which are an amalgam of a variety of scenes, both of which end in a factory and feature Sean Bean as a baddie. As far as he’s aware, Sean Connery turns into Roger Moore halfway through the first one.

  4. hehe. your girlfriend sounds cool, Daz.
    something i forgot to put in Paragraph’s review of World Is Not Enough.. i remember Cosmo Landesman in his review of it pointing out that Bond films should start on a submarine, never end on one, which i thought was a good point.
    if only Sean Bean was in every Bond movie.
    – ‘For England, James?’
    – ‘Yeah, sure. Why not.’

  5. Very funny post guys! And I’d never noticed Paragraph’s tags before – just been checking some of those beauties out! Funny stuff.

    Forgettable Blondes, I mean Bonds:

    Quatum of Solace (so forgettable I can’t spell Quantum) for sure – Daniel Craig is the new Bond, is this the one with the billion dollar poker game. I liked that bit. Correction: Nope, that would be the other Daniel Craig one. I haven’t seen this!

    On Her Majesty’s Secret Service – I’ve seen it, I know I have, haven’t a clue what happens. I’m going to guess there’s a superhero-type who likes guns and gadgets, shags a few women, and tries to stop a mad man taking over the world.

    Other forgettable Bonds in no particular order: Tomorrow Never Dies, The World Is Not Enough, Die Another Day…

  6. Pretty good…wait what were we talking about, again?

    Of those I’ve seen, I’d have to say QoS is up there. I know a lot of people love it, but I can’t for the life of me remember what From Russia with Love was about.

  7. come on JBE… i hate Bond and even i remember Russia.
    knife for a foot… Robert Shaw’s hair… and Bond dies! well, kind of.

  8. This post actually had me laughing good work McG. It also makes me feel a lot better about having only seen 3 Bond Films. I can’t be missing much if they’re that forgettable. I do remember Quantum of Solace though. Ish. The dying and the water is the end of Casino Royale. QOS is the one where they wander around in the desert a lot and he has two Bond girls who look alike so nobody bothered to learn the difference, especially since one of them dies anyway.
    And I honestly can’t remember more than that. Which disappoints me because I thought I actually quite liked that film…

    Oh, and Sean Bean should be the villain in every Bond film. Yes.

  9. hehe, Katie.. did those two bond girls look alike? i cant remember…

  10. In my head they kind of merge as one, but maybe that’s just me. I remember one of them died covered in oil…

  11. Well at least you remember Dalton in TLD, but yeah, can’t disagree w/ Sean Bean being in every Bond film. I mean, shouldn’t Bond villain be as cool as Bond himself?

  12. think youre on to something RTM. think it would be great if they made a Bond film where Bond was the villain. or a Bond film where Bond dies and 0016 or whatever takes over. 20 odd films, and in not one of them is the audience at any stage worried about the fate of the lead character.. isnt that a bit, well, feckin’ silly?

  13. Ahah, but isn’t silliness what they’re after? 😀 But yeah, the only time I probably was slightly, just slightly worried he might be seriously injured is when Dalton and Craig portrayed 007 as they look believably disheveled and dirty enough to make us think they’re in real danger. Oh man, all this talk makes me really wish Dalton had done Goldeneye… seeing him and Bean together would’ve been killer!

  14. Besides Goldeneye and Casino Royale, I can honestly say I dont remember any of them

  15. They’re the only other ones besides QOS I’ve seen. And to be honest my memory of Goldeneye is hazy other than Sean Bean is amazing, Boris is invincible and Bond drives a tank. Oh and jumps off a damn. But that last bit is because I’ve been playing the N64 game.

  16. […] props to all of ’em for saying nice things about my favorite Bond 😀 But it’s this particular post that inspire me to write this post… “Sean Bean should be the bad guy in every Bond […]

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