Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2: Top Five complicated love triangles

If your two prom date options were that tall skinny pale anti-social kid who will take the first opportunity he gets to give you a hickey, and the angry violent hairy kid who just wants to hump your leg, you’d probably just stay at home. Traditionally in Hollywood, if a woman had a vampire and a werewolf pawing over her, she’d be screaming, and not with delight. Yet pretty much every girl between the ages of 5 and 105 would give anything to be the other point on the Edward/Jacob love triangle. Here’s a few more to get your teeth into…

5. First Knight

You are impresshing nobody with that thing, shon

King Arthur -L- Guinevere -L- Lancelot
There was a time when women would have killed to be in Julia Ormond’s predicament here, caught between the suave Connery and the sexy Gere. But by the time this film came out it was a choice between grey or greyer, Connery already moving towards the ‘cranky ol b*****d’ end of his career while Gere was carrying the weight of all those gay gerbil rumors. And when you’re a star on Gere’s level, it doesn’t even matter if you’re gay or not – if the rumor is out there, you’re as good as. No matter, we’ll put up with these two old fogeys pawing over the Lady Guinevere as long as we get to enjoy all those Arthurian staples… Wait, no Merlin? No Mordred? No Excalibur!? No arms in lakes or swords in stones??!! What am I watching this for??

4. The Empire Strikes Back

Wait wut? When did this happen?

Luke Skywalker -L- Leia Organa -L- Han Solo
Gross, right? I know! And I quote: ‘The Force runs strong in my family. I have it, my father has it… my sister has it. Yes Leia, it’s you.’
‘I know… Somehow I’ve always known. ‘
‘…Wait, what? You’ve always known? Even when you were sticking your tongue down my throat?’
C-3PO was there, he never shuts the F up, so why hasn’t he been telling absolutely everybody that his former master is an incest aficionado? R2 probably has a little hologram recording of it too, for extra lols.

3. Rushmore

um… is there perhaps a third option?

Max Fischer -L- Rosemary Cross -L- Herman Blume
Personally I think Ms Cross is an unwelcome distraction here – the film should just be a buddy comedy between Jason Schwartzman and Bill Murray. But I suppose without the object of both their desires, they would not have become just as delightful mortal enemies. Personally, I also think Ms Cross is a bit of a bitch rebuffing the delightful Max’s advances – she clearly leads him on from the moment they meet; “looking” for her lighter, seductively smoking a cigarette, never taking her eyes off him, gushing over his hat, quoting romantic Latin… she clearly only sidles up to gross old Bill Murray to make him jealous. Bitch. Schwartzman obviously put Murray on blast to his family for leering after younger women – his cousin Sophia Coppola subsequently cast him in Lost in Translation.

2. The Dark Knight

Giz a kish! What? I still have half a mouth! oh fine, on the cheek then…. the other cheek smartass!

Bruce Wayne -L- Rachel Dawes -L- Harvey Dent
This is actually more of a love pentagon, what with the two boys having dual identities and all that. So who should she go for? The mysterious richest guy in the world who’s also a bit of a douche? His cool alter ego who might be a little too into kinky stuff? The handsome successful attorney who probably works 25 hours per day? Or his alter ego who’s, um, probably not a very good kisser cause he’s missing half his face?
The question is are they really even that into her? The lads didn’t even notice when she changed from looking like Katie Holmes to looking like Maggie Gyllenhaal. Which is a shame, because Katie is probably more accustomed to dealing with deranged boyfriends.

1. Cleopatra

They cast WHO? Lindsay Lohan!? LOLS

Julius Caesar -L- Cleopatra -L- Marc Anthony
Who else could play the most beautiful woman in the world other than, um, the other most beautiful woman in the world? The original Cleopatra got game, bagging the most powerful man in the world AND his successor. Imagine the scandal that would cause today? It would be like Angela Merkel hooking up with Prince Charles and then Prince William. Although that was nothing compared to the collective gasps when a married Liz Taylor married and then remarried a married Richard Burton, after they got it on on the set of what in today’s money would be the most expensive film ever made (it won a shitload of awards, boasted the biggest stars of its time and generated a heap of cash at the box office, but still made a loss). It’s hard to tell whether Cleopatra or her portrayer had a more complicated love live – the latter married 8 times – that’s more than Henry VIII – including the same guy twice. But the former married a couple of her brothers, the first of which when she was just 11 (what is it with love trianglers hooking up with their brothers?)  Still, at least she didn’t have to suffer the indignity of having Linsey Lohan play her in a biopic.



2 Responses to “Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2: Top Five complicated love triangles”

  1. Nice list Ross! I’d add Phantom of the Opera as well, as Christine is torn between the dark, sexy Phantom and her childhood sweetheart Raoul 😉

  2. Ruth, you’d add Phantom Of The Opera to any list..

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