Disney Star Wars: Episodes VII, VIII and IX

***WARNING! HERE BE SPOILERS!***

Yes, yes, we know E online said the new Star Wars movies would have ‘completely new’ storylines and not be based on anything already written. But you know what? Christopher Nolan said he’d die before he’d cast Robin in a Batman Film. According to the credits if Airplane 2, we were supposed to get an Airplane 3. Heck, even George Lucas said he was making a farm-set porno called Blue Harvest. Filmmakers are liars, you see. Don’t forget it’s their job description to fool audiences! There is a massive expanded Star Wars universe catered for via some excellently written novels, but none come close to the Thrawn Trilogy, written by Timothy Zahn and generally regarded by fanboys to be the canon’s episode VII, VIII and IX – Heir to the Empire, Dark Force Rising and The Last Command.
So what are they all about? Who are the major players? And who will play them?

Set around five years after Return of the Jedi, the Rebellion and The Empire have essentially switched places -the rebels (now the New Republic) are in charge of the galaxy and the much weekend Empire are the ones taking sneaky potshots from the fringes. Picking up where Vader and co left off is Grand Admiral Thrawn, a military tactical genius who enlists the help of a psychotic Jedi master to try and restore the Empire to its former glory.

Grand Admiral Thrawn

Military genius and master tactician who can assimilate, counter and decimate any opponent commander’s strategies by studying that species’ art. Himself a Chiss, a race of blue skinned, red eyed humanoids, he acquired the rank of Grand Admiral – the highest and one of only 12 in the Entire empire – a unprecedented achievement considering the Emperor was a huge racist and xenophobe. What? You didn’t know that? Why do you think every Imperial officer was human? And white ones at that!
Should be played byJon Hamm

Talon Karrde

An honest and honourable roguish smuggler, but unlike the other guy fitting that description, he’s a bit more organised, running a successful if shady operation brokering information and smuggling. Keeps a pair of pet vornskrs, viscious dog-like creatures that hunt force sensitive beings, commander of the awesomely-but-mid-life-crisisey-named Wild Karrde.
Should be played byJason Momoa

Mara Jade

Fiery haired and fiery tempered second-in-command of the Wild Karrde with a mysterious connection to the late Emperor and more than a passing grudge against Luke Skywalker. Has Force potential.
Should be played byKate Mara

Joruus C’baoth

A cloned and insane Dark Jedi master, guardian of a secret storehouse of devastating weaponry and tools secreted by Emperor Palpatine. Agrees to help Thrawn overthrow the New Republic, using battle meditation powers to help coordinate his navy, but has his own agenda involving turning the Skywalker clan to the Dark Side.
Should be played byBill Nighy

Rukh

Thrawn’s personal bodyguard, and member of the Noghri species, a diminutive but deadly race recruited as assassins and commandos because of their renowned stealth and speed. The Noghri are blindly loyal to the Empire for helping restore their planet after an ecological catastrophe.
Should be played byAndy Serkis, I suppose.

What about the old crew?

Luke Skywalker – keen to set up a new Jedi Order, he is busy spurning Joruus C’baoth’s advances and trying to figure out why Mara Jade wants to kill him.
Could be played byMatt Damon – Looks a bit like him, could defo handle a lightsaber.

Leia Organa Solo – married to Han, pregnant with force sensitive twins Jacen and Jaina. Always busy on diplomatic missions, swaying planets to the New Republic cause.
Could be played byMaggie Gyllenhaal – Has that strong, I’m-not-just-eye candy thing going on, funky hairstyles would suit her.

Han Solo – very much the house husband these days, running around cleaning up after the missus.
Could be played byDavid Duchovny – Bear with me, no one does that lazy cocky stare quite like the Duke, plus he does look an awful lot like him… think about it!

Lando Calrissian – now runs a mining operation on a planet so hot it can only be inhabited during the night, so the city is built on AT-AT walkers that perpetually move to stay on the planets dark side – how cool is that?
Could be played byBilly Dee Williams! – Seriously! Have you seen him recently? He still looks good.

Yoda, Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, Obi Wan Kenobi – yeah, they’re all still dead.

Jar Jar Binks – no sign of him.

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2 Responses to “Disney Star Wars: Episodes VII, VIII and IX”

  1. Don’t hold your breath. lol. 😉

  2. its real:O

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