Top Five… Mythological Greek movies that aren’t really mythological Greek movies

The much-anticipated Prometheus is finally out, and if you’re hoping for an awesome sci-fi epic set in the world of Ridley Scott’s other sci-fi epic Alien, it looks like you may be in luck. If you are hoping for a tale about the ancient Greek Titan of legend… you should probably read more cinema previews online. Ross McD gives some more warning for easily duped classical studies students.

5. Prometheus

Who? Nicked fire from the gods, gave it to man. Poster boy for Communism

Sorta like the original legend because: it’s to do with creation, origins of mankind, and a gift to humanity… for better or worse?

It would have been better if: Hannibal Lecter made a cameo and ate somebody’s liver

4. Apollo 13

Who? God of the Sun. Rarely drives his chariot near Britain, except in April and May. Wrath includes melanoma and farmers’ tan.

Sorta like the original legend because: While pregnant with him, Apollo’s mum was banned from Earth… a bit like the banjaxed Odyssey

It would have been better if: Apollo Creed had’ve been on board, and punched the spacecraft until it agreed to work properly again

3. Remember the Titans

Who? Gang of 12 deities, who were the big cheeses of ancient Greece until 12 young upstarts sauntered in and took over

Sorta like the original legend because: Titans and Olympian gods just don’t get on, like black people and white people on football teams apparently. Luckily that doesn’t happen nowadays, in the Premier League for example…

It would have been better if: Instead of giving soppy speeches, Denzel Washington ate the children of whoever gave him guff, à la Chronos. That would catch their attention.

2. The Poseidon Adventure

Who? God of the sea, knocks stuff over with tidal waves, especially if annoying Black-Eyed Peas are on board in the lame remake.

Sorta like the original legend because: um, it’s in the water.

It would have been better if: The camera pans out at the very end to show the god Poseidon was playing with the ship in his bathtub the whole time

1. Mighty Aphrodite

Who? Goddess of love, beauty, lust, pleasure, procreation. What a job!

Sorta like the original legend because: Everybody is shagging each other and having each others kids, just like those Greek gods

It would have been better if: Mira Sorvino travelled everywhere naked on a clam shell

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