The big giant end of the year New Year’s Eve battle

Last year we had Valentine’s Day, this year it’s New Year’s Eve, which is released this week. A dozens-strong all-star cast turn up, shoot a couple of scenes, get paid, movie execs make millions, audiences have one potentially crap film broken down into lots of nice, easy-to-manage little pieces – everybody wins. Be warned though: Christmas Day, All Hallow’s Eve, St Patrick’s Day, St Swithin’s Day, A Random Person’s Birthday will all follow. Here, Ross McD and Ross McG from pit the cast against each other.


Robert De Niro

New Year’s Eve wish: that he would quit propping up crummy festive flicks and get back to some acting.
Happy new year: Raging Bull. No one punches a wall or accuses his brother of doing something nasty with his wife like Bobby.
Crappy new year: Righteous Kill. A bit like Heat in that it stars De Niro and Pacino. Also a bit like Heated dog poo. It stinks.

Michelle Pfeiffer

New year’s Eve wish: that she would return to the role of Catwoman instead of Anne Hathaway for The Dark Knight Rises
Happy new year: Wolf. Anyone who can convincingly pretend to be attracted to a hairy Jack Nicholson deserves some respect. See also The Witches Of Eastwick.
Crappy new year: Dangerous Minds. So unCoolio it’s bloody freezing.

Zac Efron

New Year’s Eve wish: that I could have his startlingly brilliant hair
Happy new year: 17 Again. Matthew Perry wishes he looked like Zac Efron when he was 17.
Crappy new year: High School Musical. In my school, singing and dancing would have landed you in detention.

Carla Gugino

New Year’s Eve wish: that she won’t be in any more Spy Kids movies. That there won’t be any more Spy Kids movies.
Happy new year: Sin City. Hard to get distracted from a CGI-ed Mickey Rourke. Except by a CGI-ed almost naked lady.
Crappy new year: Sucker Punch. About as much fun as being punched in the crotch for two hours.


New Year’s Eve wish: that he will be the lead man in Fast And The Furious 6
Happy new year: Fast And The Furious 5. The Godfather: Part II of Paul Walker car flicks.
Crappy new year: Crash. He does steal a car, but there’s no Paul Walker.

Alyssa Milano

New Year’s Eve wish: that she would play the lead in a Commando reboot.
Happy new year: Commando. She’s John Matrix’s daughter. Which makes her infinitely cooler than Neo from The Matrix. Or The Matrix that Optimus Prime hides in his belly.
Crappy new year: She gets a free pass. She was in frickin’ Commando, man!

Abigail Breslin

New Year’s Eve wish: that she doesn’t go off the rails like every other child actress.
Happy new year: She’ll always be Little Miss Sunshine. Although Zombieland runs it a close second.
Crappy new year: No Reservations. Catherine Zeta-Jones is a chef who tried to hook up with Harvey Dent. As awful as it sounds.

Hilary Swank

New Year’s Eve wish: that she burns every copy of PS I Love You. DVD and the book.
Happy new year: The Next Karate Kid. Probably the third best Karate Kid film ever.
Crappy new year: PS I Haven’t Forgotten How Shite That Film Was


Josh Duhamel

New Year’s Eve wish: that people would stop confusing him with Johnny Knoxville
Happy new year: Transformers. More than meets the eye
Crappy new year: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. A big steaming pile of crap in disguise.

Jessica Biel

New Year’s Eve wish: to regain the number one spot on the ‘Hottest Jessicas’ list, ahead of Alba and Rabbit
Happy new year: Blade Trinity. Manages to make a ‘music to kill vampires by’ iPod playlist without cringing once. Bravo.
Crappy new year: I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry. An abusive relationship for anyone that watched it.

Jon Bon Jovi

New Year’s Eve wish: to still look 30 when he’s 50. Only three months to go…
Happy new year: Livin on a Prayer. Everyone thinks they can sing it, no-one can
Crappy new year: Have a Nice Day. Try singing in you head without giving up and going back to Livin On A Prayer

Lea Michele

New Year’s Eve wish: to make a successful leap to film. Will this be it?
Happy new year: Glee Season 1. Showtunes! Silly Storylines! Slushis! Sue Sylvester!
Crappy new year: Glee Season 3. Showtunes… silly storylines…slushies… Sue Sylvester…

Katherine Heigl

New Year’s Eve wish: to play the lead in the Under Siege reboot, reprising her role as Casey Ryback’s daughter. Maybe she could team up with John Matrix’s daughter?
Happy new year: Knocked Up. Made us believe she could sleep with Seth Rogan – now that is acting.
Crappy new year: The Ugly Truth. Couldn’t even upstage co-star Gerard Butler – now that is an ugly truth

Ashton Kutcher

New Year’s Eve wish: not to become Charlie Sheen II
Happy new year: The Butterfly Effect. It’s actually quite good! No, seriously!
Crappy new year: What Happens In Vegas. It didn’t stay there unfortunately

Sarah Jessica Parker

New Year’s Eve wish: to star in the inbetween series linking Sex and the City to The Golden Girls.
Happy new year: Hocus Pocus. Saved the production team a bomb in make-up by playing a witch
Crappy new year: Failure to Launch. If only there had been

Halle Berry

New Year’s Eve wish: that she would return to the role of Catwoman instead of Anne Hathaway for The Dark Knight Rises
Happy new year: Monster’s Ball. Not to be confused with Pokéballs, which are used for catching Pokémon in Japanese
Crappy new year: Catwoman. Not to be confused with a DVD you should actually insert into a DVD player


One Response to “The big giant end of the year New Year’s Eve battle”

  1. Haha, omg. This was pretty funny. Still don’t know how they pay these people to be in these movies.

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