Harry Potter House Battle: Gryffindor v Slytherin

After seven books, eight films, nine-and-three-quarter platforms and ten long years, the Harry Potter Saga is finally at an end. We’ve seen a lot of comings and goings through Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but one question still remains: which house is the best? The goodly Gryffindors or the sneaky Slytherins? Ross McD and Ross McG don the Sorting Hat…

Ross McG: Gryffindor

‘Every wizard who went bad was in Slytherin.’

Starting school can be a tricky business. Especially when it comes to making friends. The temptation is always to fall in with the wrong crowd. You know who I mean – the unruly lot who on the face of it appear cool because they steal the teacher’s chalk, copy other pupils’ homework and, em, have the ability to talk to snakes. At first glance, the goth kids of Slytherin may seem like the in-crowd, but after a few lunchtimes spent with them smoking behind the bike shed and cooking up spells you’ll find them to be a rather boring and nasty bunch. I mean, what kind of gang thinks it’s funny to spend years bullying a scarred kid wearing spectacles just because his parents have died? Johnny Lawrence from the Karate Kid has nothing on these guys.

If I found myself in front of the Sorting Hat there’s only one house I’d want to go to. Forget Hogwarts itself – the most fantastical dimension in the Potterverse is a magical place where even if you have a big scar on your forehead – or ginger hair – you too can end up with some of the hottest girls in school.

The Smiths reunion gigs had gone terribly

The Gryffindor gang are rather unfairly made out to be a collection of goody two wands, but they get up to their fair share of dark arts. Note how they somehow win the House Cup in a certain Harry Potter’s first year at the school by being granted some mystery extra points from Albus ‘not averse to the odd bribe’ Dumbledore. Now what house is he a member of again…? And who could forget how Gryffindor’s most famous pupil was able to enter the Triwizard Tournament (and win it, albeit in joint first with Edward Cullen) even though he was underage and therefore ineligible? These examples show us that the odd bit of blatant cheating isn’t beneath those in Gryffindor colours, proving they’re not all just swots.

While in Gryffindor you’ll spend most of your time larking about in flying cars, taming dragons and travelling back in time: in Slytherin (yes, we get it, your name makes you sound like a snake) you’ll spend break-times sitting around in your form room thinking about how much you hate some kid with glasses you don’t even know that well for no reason whatsoever. Not a great way to fill out the best days of your life.

Ross McD: Slytherin

‘No one asked your opinion, you filthy little Mudblood.’

First of all, let’s get one thing straight: Ravenclaw is clearly the best house in Hogwarts. It’s the one with all the smart students, which… I thought was the point of school? And no matter how bad Gryffindor is, can you imagine the absolute humiliation of being put into Hufflepuff? It seems to be a house for fat/stupid/ugly students. Or badgers. Nevertheless, at least they have an identity. Hufflepuff takes the triers; Ravenclaw favours intelligence; Slytherins are cunning, resourceful and ambitious; and Gryffindors are…. Brave? Great, well done. You’re brave, that should get you a job after college. I hear there’s lots of vacancies for lion tamers these days.

From the very first film the dominant house is obvious. Slytherin fairly and squarely win the House Cup, until the headmaster – suspiciously himself a former Gryffindor – decides to award his old house a s**tload of made up points. Gryffindor is such a made-up house that it has to steal students clearly belonging to other houses. How is Hermione not a Ravenclaw, or fat/stupid/ugly Neville Longbottom not a Hufflepuff?

The Blondie comeback tour was ill-timed

Predictably, McG will argue that everyone’s favourite wizard Harry Potter was a Gryffindor. But remember the Sorting Hat actually wanted to put him in Slytherin; it was only because Potter whinges that he didn’t want to be in mean old Slytherin that the hat stuck him in Gryffindor. In fact, The thought of joining Salazar Slytherin’s house had Potter clearly terrified, exactly the antithesis of so called brave Gryffindors. What a pussy. Who else you got? Dumbledore? Yeah, you know what happened to him. Killed by *spoiler* Severus Snape – a Slytherin.

Slytherins can talk to snakes. They can read minds. They have the coolest names (Bellatrix LeStrange) and the coolest hair (Lucius Malfoy). And let’s not forget the greatest wizard of all time was a Slytherin, so badass wizards were afraid to even speak his name. And don’t try tell me Voldemort wasn’t the greatest – even Olivander admits it: ‘After all, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named did great things. Terrible! Yes. But great.’



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