Top Six… Batman Movies so far

After what seems like 329 years of waiting, The Dark Knight Rises is finally upon us. But where will Christopher Nolan’s Bat threequel fit in this little list when it is released next week? Will Ross McG think it’s better than Batman Forever?

6. Batman & Robin (1997)

Batman: George Clooney. Yep, the guy from ER. What idiot thought he was gonna be a movie star?

Villain: Mr Fwwweeeeze. Poison Ivy. Bane. Yes, Bane. Why do people think The Dark Knight Rises is going to be good again?

Best Bat line: ‘Ice to see you!’ ‘Allow me to break the ice.’ ‘You’re not sending me to the cooler!’ Take your (ice) pick

Best Bat gadget: Bat skates. Ideal when on thin ice. That means, you, Schumacher.

Bat fact: After Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone was the second choice to play Mr Freeze. Hulk Hogan was third. Jesus.

Bat song: The Batman & Robin soundtrack is actually pretty sweet – it has The Beginning Is The End Is The Beginning by Smashing Pumpkins, Revolution by REM and, uh, Gotham City by R Kelly. Oh, piss off, R Kelly

Bat verdict: Bat out of hell. Not gone when the morning comes, unluckily. Scorched into your brain forever, more like

5. Batman Returns (1992)

Batman: Michael Keaton. Returning. Cos he’s Batman. ‘I’m Batman,’ as he might say.

Villain: The Penguin (disgusting), Catwoman (am I the only one who doesn’t find Michelle Pfeiffer hot in that suit?)

Best Bat line: ‘Bruce Wayne… why are you dressed up like Batman?’ Best line of any Batman film ever

Best Bat gadget: The Penguin’s mini-Batmobile to steer the big one from afar. Bat wi-fi, if you will

Bat fact: Annette Bening was originally cast as Catwoman, but was replaced after she became pregnant

Bat song: Face to Face by Siouxsie and the Banshees. Catchy little gothic number

Bat verdict: Batly drawn boy. Way too dark. Way overrated. Anybody watched this lately? It’s a bit of a mess.

4. Batman Forever (1995)

Batman: Val Kilmer. The Ice Man cometh.

Villain: Two-Face and The Riddler. Or the guy who chases Harrison Ford through tunnels and Ace Ventura

Best Bat line: ‘Was that over the top? I can never tell!’

Best Bat gadget: How about a Batmobile that drives you up a wall. Pretty much a symbol of the result of Nicole Kidman’s performance

Bat fact: Future Batman Christian Bale auditioned for the role of Robin

Bat song: U2’s Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me. Whatever you think of U2, this is epic

Bat verdict: I can’t go for bat, no no… no can do. I can’t go for bat… but not as bad as people say

3. Batman Begins (2005)

Batman: Christian Bale. More Halls Soothers than Lockets at this stage

Villain: Cillian Murphy as The Scarecrow. Like the one in The Wizard Of Oz. But with a brain. And a scary mask.

Best Bat line: ‘You’re not the devil… you’re practice.’

Best Bat gadget: The Tumbler, of course. Named after a plastic cup, but still pretty cool. Comes in black.

Bat fact: Murphy initially auditioned for the role of Batman. Nolan liked him so much he cast him as The Scarecrow

Bat song: Vespertilio from the OST. Just makes you wanna fight a guy on a big sheet of ice. Liam Neeson, not Mr Freeze

Bat verdict: Bat to life… bat to reality…

2. The Dark Knight (2008)

Batman: Christian Bale again. This time with the mother of all sore throats.

Villain: Heath Ledger’s Joker. Nolan… obviously a big fan of 10 Things I Hate About You (see Joseph Gordon-Levitt).

Best Bat line: ‘Hiiiiii….!!’ Now say it with green and red make-up on your face while wearing a nurse’s uniform

Best Bat gadget: The bat pod. When my car breaks down it merely turns into an even crapper car

Bat fact: Katie Holmes turned down the chance to reprise her role as Rachel Dawes to make Mad Money instead. Mad Money? No, us neither.

Bat song: Why So Serious? from the OST. The chilling introduction to The Joker

Bat verdict: She’s All Bat

1. Batman (1989)

Batman: Michael Keaton. Best unexpected casting ever. Still, The Dream Team probably the best Keaton film of 1989. Check it out, it’s great

Villain: Jack Nicholson’s Joker. Up there with Jack Nicholson’s Devil in The Witches Of Eastwick

Best Bat line: ‘Never rub another man’s rhubarb!’

Best Bat gadget: The clip thingy on the Batwing that steals The Joker’s balloons. Where does he get those wonderful toys?

Bat fact: William Hootkins, who played bent cop Lieutenant Eckhardt, was Porkins in Star Wars and was also in Raiders Of The Lost Ark

Bat song: Wow, tough choice. Who better to represent the Clown Prince of Crime than, uh, Prince? Let’s go for Partyman

Bat verdict: Bat’s entertainment



3 Responses to “Top Six… Batman Movies so far”

  1. Refreshing to see a less cliche order of the films. I always enjoyed Forever more than Returns, but yes, you are the only one who doesn’t find Catwoman hot in that film.

  2. The true #1, BATMAN: THE MOVIE (1966) is strangely absent. I am confused.

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