The best orgasm scenes in movies

Posted in TOP FIVES with tags , , on July 31, 2014 by Ross McG

whenharry

Today is National Orgasm Day. Of course it is. It’s right up there with St Patrick’s Day and No Pants Day as one of the worst holidays ever.

What’s that? It isn’t a holiday? We don’t get the day off? Screw that. Uh… precisely.

Some people think cinema was invented (by Steven Spielberg or James Cameron – I always forget which one it was) to show us the beauty and sadness of life, to take us to new worlds, to fire our imagination. Rubbish.

Movies came, ahem, along to do one thing: depict lots of actors and actresses showing us their O face.

In honour of National Orgasm Day then, here are the best and worst orgasm scenes in cinema.

THE WORST:

Okay, let’s start with the drivel before we get on to the good, uh, stuff. And with most lists of terrible things, it begins with The Ugly Truth. Take it away Katherine Heigl… and take away my ability to forget about this awful, awful movie.

Don’t worry, we’re only going to subject you to one more bad orgasm scene. Amy Adams is a terrific actress. But she has one major blot in her copybook: Cruel Intentions 2: Cruels Control. Okay, so I made the ‘Cruels Control’ bit up, but it’s still terrible. And it has a terrible orgasm scene, in which Adams teaches her protégé the correct way to ride (sorry!) a horse.

 

AND NOW THE BEST ORGASM SCENES:

10. American Pie (1999)

The original has been so undermined by its 200 terrible sequels and spin-offs that it’s easy to forget just how good – and sweetly innocent – the first American Pie movie is – like The Inbetweeners for US yoofs before The Inbetweeners existed. Its signature scene shows just how good an actor Jason Biggs is – he only ever needs two takes.

 

9. Barbarella (1968)

Jane Fonda proves that machine is no match for woman in this quite literally steamy scene from the 60s sci-fi classic.

 

8. Bruce Almighty (2003)

If you woke up one day and realised you were God, wouldn’t you give your girlfriend an orgasm through a wall just by moving your hands? Seems only polite. Jennifer Aniston obviously took some notes from her former flatmate Courtney Cox when it comes (sorry! Again!) to carnal pleasures. Ugh.. I used the word ‘carnal’ – gross.

 

7. There’s Something About Mary (1998)

Yes there is, and there’s something hanging from Ben Stiller’s ear that he’s not aware of. As if women actually use hair gel…

 

6. Private Parts (1997)

The movie of shock jock Howard Stern’s life isn’t really that shocking, but it does contain a pretty memorable on-air-radio/at-home-with-vibrating-speaker orgasm scene. Couldn’t do that these days with Spotify.

 

5. Pleasantville (1998)

You probably know Joan Allen best for chasing Jason Bourne, but here she makes a splash in more ways than one during a bath in Gary Ross’s underrated comedy drama. This orgasm is so good it turns black-and-white into colour, a feat previously achieved only by The Wizard of Oz. No magic wand jokes!

 

4. Amélie (2001)

Audrey Tautou pervs over Paris. ‘Quinze!’ Brilliant.

 

3. A Fish Called Wanda (1988)

If only more Oscars were handed out for performances in comedies. Kevin Kline is brilliant as crazy Otto in A Fish Called Wanda, even when he’s having sex. Don’t call him Stupid.

 

2. Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion (1997)

Not a real orgasm, but a great one, as Romy (Mira Sorvino) does some amateur acting to procure a car. ‘Oh Rrrrrrramone… You are Columbus and I am America – discover me!’ Talking dirty has never sounded so funny.

 

1. When Harry Met Sally (1989)

YES! YES! YES! More orgasm fakery now, and who other than Meg Ryan could top this list? Sally Albright is the one person you don’t want to be sat near in a restaurant… or maybe you do? We’ll have what she’s having.

Guardians of the Galaxy: The most awesome mix

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on July 24, 2014 by Ross McG

guardiansgalaxy

Guardians of the Galaxy is terrific. It’s probably the best comedy of the last five years. The fact that it’s set in space is almost an irrelevance.

But one of the big factor’s in the film’s success is its 1970s soundtrack – more specifically the central conceit built around a mix tape: to reveal any more than that might be a bit spoilery.

It’s safe to say though that central character Peter Quill/Star-Lord (played brilliantly by the brilliant Chris Pratt) has some excellent taste in music. Here are some of his choice tracks.

1. Cherry Bomb – The Runaways

What better way to soundtrack a ragtag gang of rowdy rebels – that’s the Guardians, by the way – than through the bubbling teen angst of The Runaways’ greatest song.

Band members Joan Jett and Cherie Currie were portrayed by Kirsten Stewart and Dakota Fanning in a biopic a few years ago – and they gave the song a good stab – while it has also been used in Richard Linklater’s cult classic Dazed and Confused.

Miley Cyrus has covered it. That’s how rebellious it is. ‘Hello Daddy.. hello Mom… I’m your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-CHERRY BOMB!’

2. Come and Get Your Love – Redbone

Native American rockers Redbone’s biggest hit is the perfect feelgood way to signal that your space opera is going to be a little bit different to anything else seen – or heard – on the big screen.

3. Hooked on a Feeling – Blue Swede

Originally recorded in the late ’60s by BJ Thomas, famous for singing on Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on My Head, Hooked on a Feeling became a ’70s staple six years later when covered by Blue Swede – yes, they were from Sweden.

The song was all over the first trailer for Guardians of the Galaxy and makes its mark in the movie too, following stints in Reservoir Dogs and Ally McBeal, where it soundtracked that annoying dancing baby. If it’s good enough for David Hasselhoff though, it’s good enough for us.

4. Moonage Daydream – David Bowie

There is one song on the soundtrack that fits the movie’s space setting. And who better to put into orbit than Bowie? Bowie’s in spaaaaaace…

5. Escape (The Pina Colada song) – Rupert Holmes

Guardians of the Galaxy’s soundtrack may be fantastic, but calling it original is a bit of a stretch. Case in point: this song. The Pina Colada song has been in every movie ever made.

There is a simple reason for that: it has the power to instantly make an audience smile. Yes, even an audience subjected to watching The Sweetest Thing. It’s been in everything from Wanted to Shrek to The General’s Daughter.

It’s a song about a bored couple inadvertently answering their own dating ads in the paper, which you can either read as incredibly romantic or as incredibly creepy.

Either way, it might not have made it on to all those soundtracks if it had have went: ‘If you like Humphrey Bogart…’ as originally planned, until Holmes took the wise decision to stick the name of a cocktail in there instead.

6. I’m Not in Love – 10cc

Any superhero movie that has the balls to throw this song in there early is on to a winner. 10cc’s classic tune may have borrowed an intro from Hall & Oates, but from then on it just gets you right in your gut. The lyrics say big boys don’t cry, but it’s pretty hard not to when you’re saving the galaxy.

7. I Want You Back – The Jackson 5

Without giving anything away, the title of this song on the film’s soundtrack says it all. Bring on Guardians of the Galaxy 2.

From Mean Streets to 22 Jump Street… The top 10 streets in cinema

Posted in TOP FIVES with tags on June 6, 2014 by Ross McG

22jumpstreet

Fans of dumb action comedy get to pull into 22 Jump Street this week.

The sequel to the admittedly fun 21 Jump Street, a reboot of the old Richard Grieco TV cop show (yeah, some guy called Johnny Depp was in it too), sees lunkhead police officers Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill, in the words of the immortal Ice Cube in the trailer…. ‘goin’ ta COLLEGE!’

But how does Jump Street compare to some of the better known avenues in cinema?

10. Street Fighter (1994)

Back in the early 90s, I remember reading an article in a video games magazine that said Tom Cruise would be playing Ryu and Dana Carvey (Garth from Wayne’s World) would be playing Ken in the upcoming Street Fighter movie. As Heath Ledger’s Joker might ask… what happened? I’ll tell you what happened: the worst video game movie adaptation ever. Yes, give me Super Mario Bros any day.

9. Green Street (2005)

Okay, so it’s got Elijah Wood beating people up in between West Ham United games, but Green Street isn’t quite as bad as it should have been. Conveniently titled Green Street Hooligans in the US (must be big business from would-be tough guys Googling ‘hooligans movies’), there are actually two sequels to this.

8. Street Kings (2008)

If you don’t buy Frodo acting tough, you may not be convinced by Keanu Reeves doing likewise in David Ayer’s underrated LA crime thriller

7. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007)

London’s most journalistic avenue – until all the newspapers moved out – was also famous for haircuts and pies. Nice to see Johnny Depp in a Tim Burton film though – would love to see those two collaborate again.

6. The Wolf of Wall Street (2013)

In the past two years, Jonah Hill has starred in three movies with ‘street’ in the title. And here he is in the most famous financial thoroughfare of them all. Wall Street guys are bad, Scorsese tells us. For four hours.

5. Mean Streets (1973)

Marty was on much firmer ground 40 years earlier, depicting the most Rolling Stoniest streets around.

4. Miracle on 34th Street (1994)

Richard Attenborough and the little girl from Mrs Doubtfire bring some Christmas magic to this famous New York address.

3. Wall Street (1987)

The street that is paved with gold… and slimeballs with gigantic mobile phones. And smug Charlie Sheen. Anyone else rooting for Gekko?

2. Streets of Fire (1984)

A box office bomb but a cult classic, Walter Hill’s follow-up to 48 Hrs has Diane Lane singing in the brilliantly named Ellen Aim and the Attackers and Willem Dafoe playing the Green Goblin 18 years before he was actually asked to play the Green Goblin. Marvellous 80s fare.

1. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

Johnny Depp is back on another street! But this is the street where it all began – and ended – for him… Elm. Matching Hill’s strike rate of three ‘street’ movies (Depp pops up in the 21 Jump Street reboot) here in genuinely gruesome style, he offers proof that falling asleep in your bedroom is bad for you.

‘It’s beautiful, man!’ The many on-screen deaths of Tom Cruise

Posted in TOP FIVES with tags on May 28, 2014 by Ross McG

cruiseedge

I’ll be honest with you. I love his movies. I do. I’m a Tom Cruise fan. I celebrate the guy’s entire catalogue.

Even the movies where his character dies.

There’s this assumption that A-list movie stars won’t allow themselves to die on screen, but it’s a load of bunkum. Death is a good career move – just look at Leonardo DiCaprio, he dies in everything, from (400-year-old spoiler alert) Romeo + Juliet to (100-year-old spoiler alert) The Great Gatsby.

While Tom Cruise may not be able to match Leo’s death rate, his characters still have a slight tendency to kick the bucket. His new movie, however, Edge of Tomorrow, takes this to extremes – it’s Groundhog Day meets Source Code as The Cruiser’s character dies and dies again in order to learn from his mistakes and save the world.

But what about his previous on-screen demises? Here they are… and some of them might surprise you.

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD. WELL… D’UH.

1. Taps (1981)

Type in ‘Taps’ to Google these days and you get a lot of suggestions for bathroom furnishing, but back in the early ’80s it was the movie that give Cruise his big break and his first on-screen clogs-popping. He wasn’t the lead in this tale of military cadets striking back against the establishment, but his character’s death – shot down in a blaze of glory by tank fire – is still the film’s most memorable and quotable scene. Beautiful, man.

2. Far and Away (1992)

You have to wait more than a decade for Cruise to konk out a second time, in Ron Howard’s dreadful paen to Oirish immigration to the US of A. Far and Away is dreadful, and Cruise has a dreadful death scene, made all the more bloody dreadful because he comes back to life seconds after Nicole Kidman tells him she loved him all along. ‘You can be sure I won’t be dying twice,’ says Tom, leaving out a few ‘to be sure, to be sure’s, I’m sure. You can be sure I won’t be watching this dirge twice.

3. Interview with the Vampire (1994)

Neil Jordan’s adaptation of the bestselling novel by Anne ‘Tom Cruise is too short to play my vampire – oh no, hang on, he’s perfect’ Rice shows its age in parts these days, but it’s still a cracking watch, with a toothsome performance from Cruise, sinking his spiky gnashers into just the right amount of ham. Okay, so his Lestat isn’t technically vanquished in the movie, but he is bled dry after having his throat cut by Kirsten Dunst’s little vampire. And then he is set on fire. Mind you, Lestat is of course dead for the whole proceedings, being a bloody vampire and all.

4. Mission: Impossible II (2000)

Hang on! When does Tom Cruise die in the second Mission: Impossible movie? How come there’s two more movies with him in it after this? Good question, inner voice. Although it’s easy to forget that Ethan Hunt gets bumped off amongst all the misdirected Woo. Yes, yes, he’s not actually killed, but the guy wearing his face as a mask is, much to the chagrin of Dougray Scott, who should have been paying attention given there are exactly 19 face-changing scenes in this awful, awful, awful but intermittently awfully fun movie.

5. Vanilla Sky (2001)

Cameron Crowe’s pretty good and pretty mindbending remake of the superior Spanish flick, Abre los ojos, cast Cruise as multi-millionaire man-child David Aames, who is so busy spending all his dosh that he doesn’t notice that he is actually dead, having given himself a drugs overdose after a car crash and a bad time in a nightclub. That’s what happens when life is but a dream. The line, ‘Somebody died… it was me’, remains a great one.

SIDE NOTE: According to MovieBodyCounts.com, there are no fewer than 558 deaths in The Last Samurai (2003). Cruise’s character is not one of them. Un. Be. Liev. Able.

6. Collateral (2004)

Cruise stepped into the bad guy’s role for Michael Mann’s taxi-based LA thriller, and what happens to bad guys? That’s right: they croak it. The death of the bad guy in question, Vincent, is given extra poignancy by the fact that he foreshadowed his demise early in the action, talking about someone else who died on public transport while no one noticed. Like all cool bad guys, Vincent doesn’t die until about two minutes after he gets shot.

7. Mission: Impossible III (2006)

JJ Abrams is obviously a Far and Away fan. Yep, Cruise gets brought back to life by his female love interest again, this time after Philip Seymour Hoffman sets off a charge in his head. Nothing a good thump to the chest won’t fix.

8. Valkyrie (2008)

If you knew your Second World War history, you knew the ending to this one already. Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg (Cruise) is killed by a firing squad after his plot to kill Adolf Hitler doesn’t go according to plan.

9. Oblivion (2013)

Before he ‘dies like 200 times’ in Edge of Tomorrow, in the words of the film’s director, Doug Liman, Cruise got some sci-fi die-fi practice in during his last outing, Oblivion. It’s a visually stunning, beautifully scored piece of work, and while it pilfers from plenty of classics of the genre, it does so with a blatant abandon that is actually quite sweet. It’s definitely worth an extra watch or two, if only to figure out The Cruiser’s death pattern in it. For starters, it turns out he’s playing a clone, so his original is long dead. On top of that, the main Clone Cruise we follow during Oblivion blows himself up at the end of the film to save humanity. Or clone-anity. Or something. It sounds remarkably crap, doesn’t it? Well, it isn’t. It’s dead good. And Cruise is a dead good actor at dying on screen. He always has been. Apart from in Far and Away.

Who are the coolest characters from the X-Men Movies?

Posted in TOP FIVES with tags , , on May 19, 2014 by Ross McG

XMenDaysofFuturePast

With the release of X-Men: Days of Future Past this week, it’s time to take a look into the future past ourselves and name our all-time favourite movie X-Men.

And X-Women. Yeah, what’s up with that? An organisation dedicated to spreading equality and they botch their own name? Come on.

10. Mystique

Mystique

Mystique, or Raven Darkhölme, has been a mainstay of the X-Men movies, and with good cause, her shapeshifting abilities making her a wonderful character. Better when she’s in full-blown evil mould – Rebecca Romijn’s version is much more fun than Jennifer Lawrence’s – she’s bad, blue and out to hoodwink you. If you’re a goodie, that is.

9. Victor Creed

VictorCreed

X-Men Origins: Wolverine is one of the worst superhero films out there – and I’ve seen The Amazing Spider-Man – but it has one redeeming feature. I’ll give you a clue: it isn’t Van Wilder: Deadpool Liaison. Thanks to Liev Schreiber’s Creed – or Sabretooth – the movie is actually almost watchable.

8. Wolverine

Wolverine

Just beating his half-brother to eighth spot is old Wolvie. I’ve spoken before of my Wolverine fatigue – how can you be cool if you turn up every five minutes? You see your family and friends all the time, and you don’t think any of them are cool, do you?

7. Lady Deathstrike

LadyDeathstrike

Great name, great character. Her job in X-Men 2, or X2: X-Men United (like they were a football team), is to keep quiet and beat up Wolverine. If only he did a bit more of that himself. Might make him more interesting.

6. Beast

Beast

Beast is one of the few X-Men to have two great movie incarnations – in the pretty terrible X-Men: The Last Stand, Kelsey Grammer retains some dignity, despite being a ball of blue fur. And Nicholas Hoult is the unsung hero of X-Men: First Class, his Beastie Boy a much-needed everyman figure for the audience to dig their own claws into.

5. Cyclops

Cyclops

Yeah, I can hear the groans from here. I will never understand why Cyclops gets such a bad rep. Perhaps it is because his character was treated so dreadfully in X-Men 3. Sometimes it’s hard for the Steady Eddie type to stand out in a superhero film full of smirking good guys and moustache-twirling bad guys, but James Marsden manages it as Cyclops. Marsden has other superhero form, as Lois Lane’s man-on-Earth in Superman Returns. In X-Men, what Cyclops saw in the duller than dull Jean Grey is anyone’s guess.

4. Nightcrawler

Nightcrawler

Two words: White. House.

3. Kitty Pryde

KittyPryde

Everyone loves Kitty Pryde, aka Shadowcat, but sometimes everyone is right. She’s great and Ellen Page manages to make her great in the middle of the mushy mess that is X-Men: The Last Stand. Oh, there is one person who doesn’t like her: Vinny flipping Jones.

2. Magneto

Magneto

Now we get to the really bad guys. Come on, you didn’t think platitude-lover Professor X would make it? Or empty-headed weather girl Storm? Or Rogue, such a brilliant character in the comics and cartoons yet treated so shabbily in the movies? She’s meant to kick ass, dammit! One man who does kick ass is Magneto – he da man, able to squash Wolverine with a flick of his finger. It’s a wonder he hasn’t done it yet.

1. William Stryker

WilliamStryker

The best X-Men movie, as anyone who’s ever seen an X-Men movie knows, is X-Men 2. The reason it’s so great? Brian Cox. Scotland’s greatest ever actor – push off, Connery – is just as good in the first X-Men sequel as he was in the six other films he made that week. Yes, he’s in everything, but there isn’t one film that hasn’t been improved by having him in it. Even you, Match Point. William Stryker is tough enough and driven enough to take on all kinds of powerful mutants – Magneto and Prof X among them. Spurred on by the hatred within him for how he treated his own mutant son, Stryker’s methods or goals are far from admirable, but damn is he badass. The coolest X-Men cat around. And he isn’t even an X-Man.

Mmmm… Bambi. Seven things that Godzilla likes to eat

Posted in TOP FIVES with tags on May 13, 2014 by Ross McG

Godzillahungry

Godzilla is hungry. Best get out of the kitchen. But what does the big lug like to eat? As the new Godzilla movie, directed by Gareth Edwards and starring Bryan Cranston, is released,  we give ‘Zilla the set menu…

1. Fish and chips

Okay, so hold the fries. This lizard just wants the main part of the meal. And what does Godzilla love? Fish. Probably because he swallows millions of the things when swimming through the ocean with his big mouth open.

2. Cars

‘He’s back… and it looks like he’s craving Italian…’ Well, almost. Godzilla is a bit partial to Fiat 500s, which must look like little Smarties to his giant beady eyes (My favourite Godzilla parody – and there are a lot – is this one from the brilliant and often overlooked Lilo & Stitch; watch out for the car eating at the end).

3. Helicopters

Sometimes a Fiat just isn’t enough. Nice as a canapé, maybe, but it won’t keep you going when you’re out and about all day reducing cities to rubble. Luckily, there are a couple of ‘copter joints for Godzie to pick something up while he’s at work. Luckily, director Roland Emmerich was able to provide them in his terrible but terribly fun 1998 movie.

4. Radio towers

Godzilla hates smartphones. He just doesn’t like to see people using them. They drive him nuts. Fortunately, Zilla has a taste for communication towers, like this one in the 1954 original movie. Mmmm… metal.

5. King Kong

Yeah, that’s right, Godzilla loves chowing down on a bit of giant monkey, as evidenced in 1962 Zillaflick, the brilliantly titled King Kong vs Godzilla. In this scene, Godzilla tries out a little flambéd Kong.

6. Venison

Godzilla is an omnivore – he basically eats everything he sees, from trucks to prickly trees – so on rare occasions he likes a bit of quality meat in his diet. As a result, he enjoys tucking into some deer from time to time. But only the best will do. And the best deer, as we all know, is Bambi.

7. His greens

Yes, even Godzilla knows when it’s time to lay off the meat. Here, in 1993’s Godzilla Vs. Mechagodzilla II, little BabyGodzilla munches on some flowers. Awwww….

One thing that Godzilla doesn’t like to eat? PEOPLE! So we’re gonna be OK… unless we’re in a building or a car or a helicopter or a plate of fish and chips he takes a liking to.

Godzilla 2014 v Godzilla 1998: Who is the best Godzilla?

Posted in BATTLES with tags on May 12, 2014 by Ross McG

Godzilla2014

Gigantic mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fearsomest Godzilla of them all? Hollywood doesn’t do shame, so when they pilfer the idea for Japan’s greatest movie monster, why not do it twice? In 1998, we had Godzilla and now in 2014 we’re about to have… wait for it… Godzilla. Catchy title. But can the new Godzilla, released this week and directed by British director Gareth Edwards, knock its older counterpart out.

1. Tagline

Say what you like about the 1998 Godzilla movie – and pretty much everybody who saw it has – but it had a stonkingly good tagline: ‘Size does matter’. Simple and succinct, it’s a real belter. Does anyone know what the tagline for the new Godzilla movie even is? One of them is this: ‘The world ends. Godzilla begins’. Uh, isn’t that a bit of a spoiler? And it’s inaccurate – Godzilla was beginning (in modern Hollywood terms, at least) back in 1998. Ironically though, new Godzilla is three times bigger than the old one.

WINNER: GODZILLA ’98

Godzillasize

The Tweety Bird reboot had got way out of hand. Or foot.

2. Music

The new Godzilla has a score by the wonderful Alexandre Desplat from the last two Harry Potter movies, but come on, old Godzilla has Jamiroquai with Deeper Underground and a terrible CGI video. And it has Puff Daddy shouting at Jimmy Page’s guitar. It’s a no-brainer. Come on, say it with me… ‘AH-HUH… YEAH. AH-HUH… YEAH.’ Anyone else think Puff says ‘Tom Hulce’ instead of ‘time halts’ in this song? No, just me? Ah okay.

WINNER: GODZILLA ’98

3. Dialogue

There’s a few decent lines in the new Godzilla trailers. One is Ken Watanabe’s ‘The arrogance of man is thinking nature is in our control… and not the other way around.’ That’s a good one. But is it as good as these gems from Roland Emmerich’s earlier Godzilla?

- ‘Negative impact? That’s the goddamned Chrysler Building!’

- ‘I’ve always wanted to join the French Foreign Legion.’

- ‘That’s a lot of fish.’

No.

WINNER: GODZILLA ’98

godzillafish

Mmmm… fish!

4. Cast

While watchers of old Godzilla have to make do with the charisma-free zone that is Matthew Broderick, they do receive a double treat in return: The Simpsons alumni Harry Shearer and Hank Azaria – the latter even references his yellow alter-ego, bartender Moe, by moaning ‘Aw jeez’ at one point. Alright, so new ‘Zilla has Bryan Cranston post-Breaking Bad (reckon Walter White could probably defeat Godzilla on his own) and I love David Strathairn in anything, but then old ‘Zilla pulls its trump card: Jean Reno. Jean Reno doing Elvis.

WINNER: GODZILLA ’98

5. Godzilla

Unfortunately, the 1998 Godzilla looked pretty dreadful, like a velociraptor dressed up in a Godzilla costume. It was rubbish. And it had a face you wanted to punch. New Godzilla, on the other hand, just looks like…. well, Godzilla. Some seriously good creature design has gone into this bad boy. Love his mountain range of spikes on his back and his relatively tiny mouth. It just looks real. This isn’t a documentary, is it?

WINNER: GODZILLA ’14

godzillaexplode

Cool Godzillas don’t look at explosions

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 7,209 other followers