Giddee up for an equine movie top five from Ross McG. With Steven Spielberg’s War Horse currently galloping through cinemas, we take a look at some other four-legged big screen wonders. No animals were harmed during the writing of this feature…

5. The horse from True Lies (1994)

Horses get a raw deal when it comes to cinema. They may be beautiful, majestic creatures, but I’ve always felt horses have been a bit lacking in the brains department. How else could you explain them letting a never-ending parade of actors ride them into certain doom in various seen-it-all-before battle sequences? But what horse wouldn’t want to have Arnold Schwarzenegger in its saddle? If you said you planned an action scene involving Arnold, Art Malik, a motorbike and a horse now you would be laughed out of the studio boardroom, but back in the innocent mid-90s this meant box office gold. This horse takes Arnie into a hotel and up an elevator. Not that surprising really, as this is a movie in which Tom Arnold avoids a hail of machine gun bullet fire by hiding behind a lamppost.

4. Bullseye from Toy Story 2 (1999) and Toy Story 3 (2010)

Every cowboy needs a horse. The Lone Ranger had Silver, Roy Rogers had Trigger and Sheriff Woody has Bullesye. Giving Woody a backstory in the second instalment of Pixar’s glorious trilogy was a genius move, allowing us to meet the Round-Up gang. Yes, peppy cowgirl Jessie is the obvious scene-stealer, thanks mainly to her singing that song that makes grown men blubber like big babies (not like the scary Big Baby in TS3, mind), but the relationship between man and his horse has the real depth. When Woody behaves like a jerk – and he does, a lot (he has attempted murder of space men on his rap sheet) – Bullseye is always there to either give him a doleful look or ride to the rescue.

3. The horse from the ferry in The Ring (2002)

And now for something completely different. The scariest horse in cinema. We have established that horses have been treated badly in the movies: I’m not sure what was worse for the horse from Far And Away – being the horse that gets punched by tiny Tom Cruise or being the horse from Far And Away. At least the horse from Blazing Saddles who was punched by Mongo got to do some great stunt acting. Spare a thought then for the poor horse from The Ring, a decent if inferior remake to Japanese horror Ringu except in one vital way: Ringu didn’t have a horse hurtling itself off a ferry. They shoot horses, don’t they? Nope. They fling them off ferries.

2. Tír na nÓg from Into The West (1992)

Seabiscuit? Bite me. Black Beauty? Ugly compared to Tír na nÓg, the horse at the heart of this brilliant early 90s Irish film. It has Gabriel Byrne. It has Colm Meaney. It has Brendan Gleeson. There is an established mathematical equation that says if you have one of these actors in your film it will be good. If you have two of them it will be exceptional. If you have all three it will be amazing. If you have all three and a horse… you have one of the greatest films ever made. Great hoss.

1. Cheval from A Town Called Panic (2009)

And now we come to The Horse De La Résistance. Red Rum was good at winning horse races, but could he play the piano? Or drive a car? Those things are all in a day’s activities for Cheval, or Horse, from the utterly fantastic and indescribable A Town Called Panic, the best animated film you haven’t seen. In a neat twist in this French/Belgian/Luxembourgois production, Horse is actually the leader of a cute gang of toys that also includes Cowboy and Indian. The plot is ludicrous, but suffice to say there are 50 million bricks, a journey to the centre of the earth, alien underwater creatures who steal walls, a huge snowball-throwing robot and a giant piece of toast. And throughout it all, our hero Horse keeps a cool head. Neigh bother.

When one has an insatiable sexual appetite, it helps when you look like Michael Fassbender. With Shame hitting cinemas, Ross McD takes a look (strictly for research purposes of course) at the top five films to break sexual taboos.

5. Last Tango in Paris (1972)

'Everything, butter face,' thought Superman's da

Marlon Brando was the first major Hollywood star to play the lead in an x-rated film – who else, as the legend goes, would have requested his lines be written on co-star Maria Schneider’s rear? Many people felt the health benefits of switching from butter to margarine that year.

4. Brokeback Mountain (2005)

The Celtic and Rangers players finally decided to put their petty differences aside

But…. Heath Ledger’s a guy! And so is Jake Gyllenhaal! *gasps*! That it took until 2005 for a mainstream film to feature a love story between two guys is perhaps more shocking than anything on this list. Ledger wasn’t too fond of the in-laws though – he blows up Gyllenhaal’s sister in The Dark Knight.

3. A Clockwork Orange (1971)

Sorry mate, but you look a right penis holding that

Stanley Kubrick’s adaptation of Anthony Burgess’ novel shocked many upon its release, probably no one more than Gene Kelly, who could never have imagined his tap-dancing ditty Singin’ In The Rain would be used as a soundtrack to rape. Malcom McDowell also achieves a first in sex crime by beating somebody to death with a giant penis sculpture.

2. 9 Songs (2004)

ET: The Extra dirty version

A film about a couple, nine songs they listen to and all the sex they have inbetween. Caused a huge stir on its release as all the sex scenes between both lead actors were real, as well as being the first mainstream film to show male ejaculation.

1. Crash (1996)

Racism is bad. Ludacris stole my car. Oh, wrong Crash

Not to be confused with the 2004 Oscar winner (especially if you settling on the sofa with your mum to watch a film). Depicts a group of people who are sexually aroused by car crashes, and features among its many notable scenes the improvised use of a gaping car crash wound as… well, you know.

Last year we had Valentine’s Day, this year it’s New Year’s Eve, which is released this week. A dozens-strong all-star cast turn up, shoot a couple of scenes, get paid, movie execs make millions, audiences have one potentially crap film broken down into lots of nice, easy-to-manage little pieces – everybody wins. Be warned though: Christmas Day, All Hallow’s Eve, St Patrick’s Day, St Swithin’s Day, A Random Person’s Birthday will all follow. Here, Ross McD and Ross McG from pit the cast against each other.

ROSS MCG:

Robert De Niro

New Year’s Eve wish: that he would quit propping up crummy festive flicks and get back to some acting.
Happy new year: Raging Bull. No one punches a wall or accuses his brother of doing something nasty with his wife like Bobby.
Crappy new year: Righteous Kill. A bit like Heat in that it stars De Niro and Pacino. Also a bit like Heated dog poo. It stinks.

Michelle Pfeiffer

New year’s Eve wish: that she would return to the role of Catwoman instead of Anne Hathaway for The Dark Knight Rises
Happy new year: Wolf. Anyone who can convincingly pretend to be attracted to a hairy Jack Nicholson deserves some respect. See also The Witches Of Eastwick.
Crappy new year: Dangerous Minds. So unCoolio it’s bloody freezing.

Zac Efron

New Year’s Eve wish: that I could have his startlingly brilliant hair
Happy new year: 17 Again. Matthew Perry wishes he looked like Zac Efron when he was 17.
Crappy new year: High School Musical. In my school, singing and dancing would have landed you in detention.

Carla Gugino

New Year’s Eve wish: that she won’t be in any more Spy Kids movies. That there won’t be any more Spy Kids movies.
Happy new year: Sin City. Hard to get distracted from a CGI-ed Mickey Rourke. Except by a CGI-ed almost naked lady.
Crappy new year: Sucker Punch. About as much fun as being punched in the crotch for two hours.

Ludacris

New Year’s Eve wish: that he will be the lead man in Fast And The Furious 6
Happy new year: Fast And The Furious 5. The Godfather: Part II of Paul Walker car flicks.
Crappy new year: Crash. He does steal a car, but there’s no Paul Walker.

Alyssa Milano

New Year’s Eve wish: that she would play the lead in a Commando reboot.
Happy new year: Commando. She’s John Matrix’s daughter. Which makes her infinitely cooler than Neo from The Matrix. Or The Matrix that Optimus Prime hides in his belly.
Crappy new year: She gets a free pass. She was in frickin’ Commando, man!

Abigail Breslin

New Year’s Eve wish: that she doesn’t go off the rails like every other child actress.
Happy new year: She’ll always be Little Miss Sunshine. Although Zombieland runs it a close second.
Crappy new year: No Reservations. Catherine Zeta-Jones is a chef who tried to hook up with Harvey Dent. As awful as it sounds.

Hilary Swank

New Year’s Eve wish: that she burns every copy of PS I Love You. DVD and the book.
Happy new year: The Next Karate Kid. Probably the third best Karate Kid film ever.
Crappy new year: PS I Haven’t Forgotten How Shite That Film Was

ROSS MCD:

Josh Duhamel

New Year’s Eve wish: that people would stop confusing him with Johnny Knoxville
Happy new year: Transformers. More than meets the eye
Crappy new year: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. A big steaming pile of crap in disguise.

Jessica Biel

New Year’s Eve wish: to regain the number one spot on the ‘Hottest Jessicas’ list, ahead of Alba and Rabbit
Happy new year: Blade Trinity. Manages to make a ‘music to kill vampires by’ iPod playlist without cringing once. Bravo.
Crappy new year: I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry. An abusive relationship for anyone that watched it.

Jon Bon Jovi

New Year’s Eve wish: to still look 30 when he’s 50. Only three months to go…
Happy new year: Livin on a Prayer. Everyone thinks they can sing it, no-one can
Crappy new year: Have a Nice Day. Try singing in you head without giving up and going back to Livin On A Prayer

Lea Michele

New Year’s Eve wish: to make a successful leap to film. Will this be it?
Happy new year: Glee Season 1. Showtunes! Silly Storylines! Slushis! Sue Sylvester!
Crappy new year: Glee Season 3. Showtunes… silly storylines…slushies… Sue Sylvester…

Katherine Heigl

New Year’s Eve wish: to play the lead in the Under Siege reboot, reprising her role as Casey Ryback’s daughter. Maybe she could team up with John Matrix’s daughter?
Happy new year: Knocked Up. Made us believe she could sleep with Seth Rogan – now that is acting.
Crappy new year: The Ugly Truth. Couldn’t even upstage co-star Gerard Butler – now that is an ugly truth

Ashton Kutcher

New Year’s Eve wish: not to become Charlie Sheen II
Happy new year: The Butterfly Effect. It’s actually quite good! No, seriously!
Crappy new year: What Happens In Vegas. It didn’t stay there unfortunately

Sarah Jessica Parker

New Year’s Eve wish: to star in the inbetween series linking Sex and the City to The Golden Girls.
Happy new year: Hocus Pocus. Saved the production team a bomb in make-up by playing a witch
Crappy new year: Failure to Launch. If only there had been

Halle Berry

New Year’s Eve wish: that she would return to the role of Catwoman instead of Anne Hathaway for The Dark Knight Rises
Happy new year: Monster’s Ball. Not to be confused with Pokéballs, which are used for catching Pokémon in Japanese
Crappy new year: Catwoman. Not to be confused with a DVD you should actually insert into a DVD player

Four lads go off on holiday. No, it’s not The Hangover Part II again.

The Inbetweeners Movie (four stars)

There were quite a few cinematic surprises in 2011 – Michael Bay dumbfounded us all by making a film worse than Transformers 2 in the shape of, uh, Transformers 3, while the fifth Fast And The Furious movie also astonished audiences by turning out to be… really rather brilliant, actually. The biggest shock, however, came from a gang of unlikely English lads who went off to Malia on holiday and straight into our hearts. When it was released at the tail end of the summer, The Inbetweeners Movie was lapped up by a thirsty audience tired of big robots clunking into other big robots. It took a massive £13m in the UK on its opening weekend, eventually ending up with £45m and becoming the third biggest movie of the year behind Harry Potter and The King’s Speech. The reason? Perhaps it appealed to thousands of kids living in ‘the very definition of suburbia’ which it depicts. Or perhaps it’s just terribly flipping funny. Like most Brit flickcoms, it merely transports its protagonists to a foreign location – in this case, our four teenage heroes (pink suitcase-carrying Will, robotic dancer extraordinaire Neil, hair gel guru Simon and pervert Jay) head off to Greece for sun, sea and sexual encounters of the embarrassing kind. As Simon ruefully notes after another escapade gone wrong: ‘Probably a bit far for my dad to come pick us up.’ The film version of the E4 TV show doesn’t shy away from adolescent crudeness but like Jay, behind its macho bluster it really is quite sweet, capturing the silly yet poignant love/hate relationships you have with your mates. If it weren’t for the penis and vagina jokes, it would almost bring a tear to the eye…

Verdict: As British as a Carry On film with enough fleeting nudity to match, The Inbetweeners Movie is as raucous as a lads’ holiday should be but has real heart.

This review first appeared in the Metro newspaper

It’s the first one. Again. But it’s in a totally different country. So that’s okay.

The Hangover Part II (four stars)

‘Why can’t you just get married in Vegas like you did last time,’ asks Phil (Bradley Cooper) at the beginning of The Hangover Part II. Clearly, he doesn’t know the rules to making a sequel to a hit comedy. And so, along with the rest of the wolf pack – groom-to-be Stu (Ed Helms) and ‘stay-at-home son’ Alan (Zach Galifianakis) – he finds himself in Bangkok in the follow-up to Todd Phillips’s original. Apart from the obligatory location change, however, the second Hangover replicates the first: our boys get mashed up, wake up in a strange place and have to find someone who has gone missing. Despite being torn apart by critics on its release, when taken on its own merits Hangover 2 is a lot of fun – there’s a genius James Taylor-esque musical interlude and a funky trip inside Alan’s head is simply hilarious. The movie probably could have done with that Mel Gibson cameo though.

This review first appeared in the Metro newspaper

Christmas. A time for giving. A time for receiving. A time for escaping from the evil clutches of Santa Claus.

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (five stars)

If John Carpenter ever goes festive and makes a holiday special of The Thing, it might end up looking something like Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale. Don’t let the terrible title put you off – this is a seasonal gem well worth ripping open someone else’s stocking for. This dark Finnish reworking of the usual pre-packaged schmaltzy Christmas story – instead of dropping sacks of toys off to children, not-so-jolly old Saint Nick drops children into sacks (and, uh, cauldrons of boiling water) – brilliantly straddles the fine line between frightening and farcical. ‘The Coca-Cola Santa Claus was just a hoax,’ the film tells us early on, setting the tone for an alternative winter’s tale in which a shotgun-toting young boy tries to save Christmas from the nastiest Père Noël since Billy Bob Thornton. If you ever want a kid to be nice not naughty, show them this.

This review first appeared in the Metro newspaper

Yeah, we know, we’ve been lazy lately at Ross v Ross Towers, but here’s the first of a few DVD review we have done. Ross McG finds out if Kevin Spacey, Jennifer Aniston and Colin Farrell are as horrible bosses as Ross McD…

Horrible Bosses (three stars)

In the cinematic pantheon of terrible employers, there are a few unforgettable slave-drivers who leap right out of the boardroom and stay in the sub-conscious. Poor Keanu Reeves had to work for Satan in The Devil’s Advocate, though even Beelzebub lets you have Saturday off, unlike say, Bill Lumbergh in Office Space. That movie is a bit of a touchstone for Horrible Bosses, and not just because they both star Jennifer Aniston. Here, three working stooges (Jason Bateman, Charlie Day and Jason Sudeikis) decide they have had enough of their torturing superiors. Enter Kevin Spacey’s ball-breaking financial executive, Colin Farrell’s foul-mouthed, drugged-up daddy’s boy and Aniston’s coitus-crazed dentist. Before you can say ‘Strangers On A Train’ (or ‘Throw Momma From The Train’, as the film’s best gag illustrates), our three put-upon heroes hatch a plot to off each other’s bosses, with the help – or hindrance – of self-styled ‘murder consultant’ Jamie Foxx. There isn’t much to Horrible Bosses but what it lacks in cohesion it invariably makes up for with a killer giggle – highlights include a scarily accurate re-enactment of the key scene from pretty much every episode of Law & Order. Director Seth Gordon – who was behind The King Of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters, one of the best documentaries ever made – doesn’t exactly strain himself but the three leads are likeable even if their pratfalls are slightly Hangover-lite. The problem with Horrible Bosses is its misleading title – there just isn’t enough of Spacey (who played much meaner bosses in Swimming With Sharks and Glengarry Glen Ross), Farrell and Aniston, although in the latter’s case that’s probably for the best: sexual assault in the workplace is never funny.

Verdict:

Crude, rude and often a bit lewd for its own good, these Horrible Bosses just about earn a shot at promotion thanks to some big laughs.

This review first appeared in the Metro newspaper

Warning: Brendan Gleeson likes to swear

5. ‘Tonight, I’ll drink to your bones!’ – Troy

If there was one actor you could pick to beat the crap out of Orlando Bloom it would be Gleeson. This clip gets extra points because Brian Cox is in it.

4. ‘Technically, it’s a ferret’ – Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire

A lot of the adult performers in the Harry Potter movies just go through the motions, but not The Gleester. He was a teacher before he became an actor and it shows here, as he makes a lesson out of Malfoy by turning him into an animal. If only all teachers were this fun.

3. ‘What if he knew karate, say?’ – In Bruges

Gleeson’s hitman Ken is a wonderful creation – a scary killer made human by a great performance. It’s also an unselfish one: watch how he allows Colin Farrell to shine here:

Gleeson’s great In Bruges clip

2. ‘This is showbiz, kid’ – Breakfast On Pluto

Neil Jordan’s film is a hit-and-miss affair, but it gives the world the chance to see Gleeson dressed up as Uncle Bulgaria from The Wombles. Priceless.

1. ‘You tubby little no-dick lying little ****er!’ – I Went Down

This is just pure joy. Gleeson is fantastic as a hardman in Paddy Breathnach’s hidden gem of an Irish road movie. Certainly the coolest character called Bunny ever. Yes, even cooler than Bugs.

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVOURITE GLEESON MOMENTS?

If your knowledge of South African cinema extends only as far as that guy in Lethal Weapon 2 who says ‘diplomatic immunity’ then read on, because Lord Ian O’Itall has returned to reveal his Top 5 South African Films…

5. Animals Are Beautiful People (1974)

 
South Africa is ripe for nature documentaries and this bizarre, way ahead of its time film takes the then fresh idea of portraying the animals of the region as anthropomorphised creatures with human qualities – like a creature candid camera. The soundtrack of bumps, squeaks and tumbles can be annoying to modern audiences overfed on shows like ‘World’s Funniest Pets’ or ‘Ireland’s Funniest Chaffinches’ and so on, but to 1974 audiences this would have been unlike anything they’d seen before and the narration by venerable broadcaster Paddy O’Byrne is so hip you half expect him to say ‘Daddy-O’ at the end of every sentence. The most famous scene depicts baboons, giraffes, elephants, warthogs and a host of other animals gorging themselves on rotting fruit which as it ferments in their stomachs, makes them shitfaced. There is a distinct whiff of ‘set-up’ to it, but it is still pretty funny to see a baboon wake up the morning after the night before, beside a warthog, and like a leaf-eating Lothario, sheepishly get up (you can almost picture him looking for his pants) and do a runner before what probably seemed quite good looking the night before wakes up. If its spawning of a thousand Saturday evening funny animal clip shows makes you want to hunt down and skin director Jamie Uys, hold that thought, because his salvation lies in the fact he went on to direct another film higher up on this list.
 
4. District 9 (2009)

All brains and no prawn

 Having the heavyweight kudos of Peter Jackson on production no doubt helped this fleshing out of director Neill Blonkamp’s Life In Jo’Burg mini-documentary reach a worldwide audience, and thankfully so. It’s a hugely imaginative parable of apartheid and xenophobia set in a desolate ghetto on the outskirts of Johannesburg, littered throughout with touches of genius and genre-bending ideas. The ship full of alien refugees, or ‘prawns’ as the humans call them, comes not as an all-powerful alien race but as the suffering remnants of a crew so helpless they can’t even get off their ship until helped. The mockumentary style is done brilliantly, with fake interview and news footage giving the backdrop and characterisation before we are landed in the middle of a controversial rezoning operation caught on camera, where the horrendous task at hand is strewn with a black humour that gets bleaker as the film goes on. It’s a pity that towards the end this is lost in a more straightforward kerplosion-filled action sequence but that can be forgiven because the bold sci-fi ideas keep on coming. Granted, it’s not perfect – Nigerians are portrayed horribly – and though the alien characters grow on us as the film progresses some of this can be a bit twee – you don’t have to be Ellen Ripley to find baby aliens somewhat annoying. Sharlto Copley excels as government underling Wikus Van De Merwe in his first major role, his similarity to Murray from Flight Of The Conchords only adding to his appeal as he finds himself, clipboard and all, deeper and deeper in a world of extraterrestrial shit. Original, thoughtful, funny and carrying a real message, this is modern sci-fi at its near best.
 
3. e’Lollipop (1976)

The boys decided to just make do with one Ugg boot

This story of the friendship between two boys – one black, one white – in Apartheid-era South Africa is both heartwarming and tear-inducing and its proved popular with audiences young and old since it was made. The greatness of this film lies in the way it is so overwhelmingly anti-apartheid, not by saying ‘this is wrong’ but by showing the power of humanity and kindness when it is shown to others, regardless of their colour or creed. The pranks of the two boys Tsepo (Muntu Ndebele) and orphaned Jannie (Norman Knox) reel us into the delightful story of boyhod friendship until we are jolted out of a carefree haze by a tragic accident when a game goes wrong and Jannie is seriously hurt. The story makes a dramatic leap as we move from the South African countryside to New York City where our hearts are all but torn from our chests with anguish, but if the ending is sad, it is gloriously encouraging too. If the film itself doesn’t make you blubber like a child who’s seen Santa’s tombstone, the real story behind it might.
The film was hugely successful in South Africa upon its release, with both child stars becoming household names, swamped in a media frenzy. But two years later Ndebele disappeared. For 22 years, aided by fans, the cast – particularly Knox – the media and a huge internet campaign, he was found, having fallen into a life of drugs and crime. He has been rehabilitated and fought his way back thanks to fans and friends, and is now a motivational speaker, underlining the very message of the film that made him so well known, and proves this is a film that literally keeps on giving.
 
2. Tsotsi (2005)

How do I take the batteries out of this thing?

 
There’s a reason why this is one of the best-known films to come out of South Africa. It is a little like City Of God and there’s as much social commentary amidst the violence but where the Brazilian Boyz N The Hood takes us on a rollercoaster ride through the favelas of Rio, Tsotsi zooms in one one figure, the volatile eponymous anti-hero gangleader, and watches him change into something resembling a human being after he shoots a woman to steal her car, only to find a baby in the back seat. Being the slums, nothing is easy or straightforward and Tsotsi never becomes an angel – he stays as crazy as a bipolar shithouse rat but with only half the humanity - and this ambiguity continues right through to the end when an out-of-options Tsotsi hands over the baby and is arrested, or so we assume, in a sad and bittersweet yet strangely affirming ending that leaves you speechless but, perhaps, for a solitary ‘yup’. The special edition DVD has two alternative endings, so it looks like the makers didn’t know where this story would go. But true to the storyline itself, this fits, because nobody here can rightly say what the future holds. The film won the Best Foreign Language film at the 2006 Oscars, the same year Crash won Best Film, and it shares a certain weary compassion with that film. It is a character study, but one full of pace and action, a six-day examination of a borderline psychopath’s first inklings of what is right and wrong, and while it is full of terrible actions, it does at least show that even the very worst of us can be reached.
 
1. The Gods Must Be Crazy (1981)

sniffing coke wasnt as easy as it sounded

The second film by Uys to make this list is the sort that makes you love discovering movies from other countries because you know that such stories just couldn’t be found anywhere else. A simple premise expanded through absolutely batshit mental and imaginative ideas full of slapstick humour gives us a film so full of joy it makes you want to sings its praises from the rooftops of the world. A bushman in the Kalahari desert, Xi, comes across something he has never seen before – an empty glass Coke bottle – and brings it back to his village to the wonder of all. Believing it a gift from God, the villagers put it to many uses until it starts to create rivalries and jealousy, like a modern version of the apple in the Garden of Eden, so the bushman decides to go on an adventure and return it to God by throwing it off the edge of the world. ALong the way he meets up with a number of weird and wonderful people who give perfect cameo performances, opening the bushman’s eyes to the world he didn’t know anything about, and revealing the ‘gods’ or white men, whom he has never seen before, as unfathomable, odd creatures who complicate the world with their pursuit of property and power. Xi does reach what he thinks is the edge of the world and throws the bottle away, but we get the impression it is not the last time we will see that damn coke bottle and all it brings with it. The real thing? Absolutely.

The poor Greeks are currently facing beasts of unimaginable horror; the dreaded Troika, the Phantom Referendum, the undead Prime Minister, the twin-head-shaking abomination SarkozyMerkel. Luckily they have had plenty of practice facing down some pretty formidable monsters in the past. With the release of Immortals this weekend, Ross McD takes on the best of them.

5. The Minotaur

Try telling this guy the Narnia movies were a load of bull

The half man-half bull came to be just how you’d imagine – his mom had sex with a bull. Her husband king Monos was none to pleased, so locked the boisterous bull-child in a labyrinth on Crete. Although there was originally just one – the one you’ll see Theseus face -off against in Immortals this weekend – ‘Minotaur’ has since become an entire race in popular culture. They’re usually baddies.

Best in Show: Otmin, Queen Jadis’ General in The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe

4. Talos

A giant bronze man who guarded the island of Crete. Stop-motion supremo Ray Harryhausen created some superb monsters in his time, but nothing came close to this kilometre-high killing machine. When Jason and his Argonauts arrive on the island, they make that oh-so-oft-made error of touching treasure that’s just ‘lying around, unguarded’. Why don’t people ever ask themselves why the treasure is just lying around, unguarded? The moment the idyllic silence is broken by the sound of twisting metal as the eyeless sentry turns to look at them is among cinemas scariest scenes.

Best in Show: Jason and the Argonauts

3. Cerberus

The three-headed giant guard dog of hell. Hades had his faithful companion sit at the gates of the Underworld making sure no souls escaped, and no election campaigners got it (if they weren’t in there already. One wonders how effective a guard dog a three-headed canine can be – only one tail to chase, only one set of genitals to lick – surely there must have been arguments? Many terrifying depictions of the beast have appeared in popular culture, but the nod has to go to his much cuter descendant

Best in Show: Fluffy, Hogwarts guardian in Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone

2. The Kraken

Although not officially of Greek myth descent, the sea monster has made appearances alongside ancient Greek heroes, most notably in 1981 classic Clash Of The Titans, and its not-so-legendary remake in 2010. It has taken many forms – in the former an ugly four-armed fish man, the latter an ugly dinosaur/octopus – indeed one of its most scary forms is the rollercoaster in Universal Studios in Florida. Many believe the Kraken’s origins come from actual sightings of giant squids, the form it took on in Pirates of the Caribbean, where after (spoiler) swallowing Johnny Depp at the end, had the perfect opportunity to prevent At World’s End and On Stranger Tides from getting made. But it couldn’t keep him down, unfortunately.

Best in Show: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

1. Medusa

Lady Gaga had jumped the shark

The snake-haired, serpent-tailed gorgon. Medusa was actually one of three sisters; I’m not quite sure why Euryale and Stheno aren’t quite as famous as their sibling, but they might not have begrudged her the bit of attention, since they were immortal while she was not. A mean shot with a bow-and-arrow, Medusa could turn any living thing to stone just by looking at it – rendering her arrows a bit moot after taking aim. Perseus only managed to slay her using a mirror to see where she was – although the shock of seeing that nasty face might have killed her anyway.

Best in Show: Clash of the Titans

WATCH MEDUSA IN ACTION IN BOTH CLASH MOVIES HERE