Nothing says cool better than a movie character dressed all in black. So with the release of Men In Black III this week, Ross McG looks at the male heroes and villains to rock the simple yet sophisticated look.

5. Reverend Harry Powell

As seen in: The Night of the Hunter (1955)

Played by: Robert Mitchum

Style: Scary. We had to have one preacher in our Men in Black list, and we couldn’t think of anyone more frightening than the bad ole’ Rev Harry. One of cinema’s all-time great villains, Mitchum doesn’t so much light up the screen here as take the screen and sent 50,000 volts through it. What a highly charged performance this is. He’s the mean man of the Lord who is intent on getting his hands on some cash, the location of which is protected by two little kids. Whose mother he marries, then murders. This man in black scared the bejaysus out of me when I was younger. He still does.

Verdict: Black widower

4. Dread Pirate Roberts

As seen in: The Princess Bride (1987)

Played by: Cary Elwes

Style: Swashbuckling. The Dread Pirate Roberts would eat Captain Jack Sparrow for breakfast. And still have room for Blackbeard at lunch time. He’s ambidextrous, he’s good at climbing rocks, he’s swift at swapping poisons, he looks great in matching black bandana and gloves… he’s just an all-round great guy. Until, that is, we realise he’s just some common farm boy called Westley. Nobody surrenders their ship to the Dread Pirate Westley.

Verdict: Black magic

3. Batman

As seen in: Batman Begins (2005)

Played by: Christian Bale

Style: Dark. I love Michael Keaton’s Batman. He didn’t growl like a bear when in the costume and he knew exactly when his car was going to stop, but he had one major flaw: that stupid yellow utility belt. If you’re a scumbag out on a crime spree in downtown Gotham, you don’t have to look out for the bat signal in the sky, all you have to keep your eyes peeled for is a bright, florescent rectangle strapped around a guy’s waist running out you. Bale’s introductory Batman, while a bit flawed, got the ‘Dark’ bit right in ‘Dark Knight’, giving us a character who needed to surprise the bad guys, so therefore needed to be clad completely in black.

Verdict: Black knight

2. Mr Pink

As seen in: Reservoir Dogs (1992)

Played by: Steve Buscemi

Style: Uniform. He’s wearing exactly the same get-up as all the other guys, except that one in the shellsuit, but Mr Pink stands out through sheer force of personality. Okay, so he’s not clad head-to-toe in black à la Johnny Cash, but his white shirt only brings out the cool meanness in him. He’s not a likeable guy – he doesn’t trust anyone and doesn’t tip waitresses – but at least he is consistent. Consistently sweary.

Verdict: Black sheep

1. Dr Ian Malcolm

As seen in: Jurassic Park (1993) and Jurassic Park: The Lost World (1997)

Played by: Jeff Goldblum

Style: So much style it hurts. We have a bit of a thing for Dr Malc here at Ross v Ross Towers, possibly because he’s the one movie character anyone can do an impression of. All you have to do is pause a lot. Apparently Malcolm’s all-black get-up is based on that of real-life German mathematician Heinz-Otto Peitgen, but surely no scientist alive is actually as cool as this. Whether explaining chaos theory with cups of water or quipping about giant dino droppings, no one works the black look like Ian. Probably the coolest character called ‘Ian’ ever.

Verdict: Black beauty

WHO ARE YOUR FAVOURITE CHARACTERS WHO WEAR BLACK?

Being a great leader can be hard when stupid film-makers spread their blasphemous propaganda. Surviving the regular kind of assassination is tough enough without having to worry about character assassination. Hopefully Sacha Baron Cohen’s The Dictator will bathe Admiral General Aladeen in the glorious light of his birthright. Sadly, other films have not been so kind to the resplendent rulers club…
5. Monty Python’s Life of Brian

If this film was made in Anno Domini, it probably would have struggled to get past the censors. Even 1,979 years later, it was still deemed ‘So funny it was banned in Ireland’ – we are very careful now / down with that sort of thing when it comes to church lols. History tells us Pontius Pilate was pretty badass, what with crucifying the Son of God and all, but Michael Palin’s version couldn’t even pronounce ‘cwuecifiction’. A certain English tabloid would have had a field day making fun of his pwonunciation.

4. Hot Shots! Part Deux

Possibly the most accurate and unbiased depiction of the war in Iraq, right down to the sick shoelace-tying torture techniques applied by Saddam’s regime or the animal/human gene splicing experiments they were obviously carrying out in their high-tech military research labs. However in this retelling, Saddam had a lightsaber – which is closer to a WMD than the real version probably got.

3. Team America: World Police

Matt Stone and Trey Parker could have pushed their tongues right though their respective cheek membranes and their Kim Jong Il still wouldn’t have been more ludicrous than the real deal – in fact it’s hard to tell who was a parody of whom between the puppet and the late Supreme Leader. The Dear Leader was famously a massive fan of Hollywood films, and just about everybody who has sang along to ‘I’m So Ronery’ has wondered if the Glorious General Who Descended From Heaven himself sat through it.

2. The Great Dictator

They don’t get any ballsier than this. While the rest of the world was tiptoeing around Nazi Germany and pretending not to notice, Charlie Chaplin once again donned his director/writer/producer/composer/lead actor caps to portray the strangely familiar sounding Jew botherer ‘Der Phooey, Adenoid Hynkel’, complete with strangely familiar toothbrush moustache and strangely familiar German accent. The film was banned in countries not to keen on upsetting Hitler, but once World War II kicked off it became the perfect piece of propaganda. Chaplin later admitted he wouldn’t have been poking fun had he none the extent of the atrocities.

1. Fahrenheit 9/11

Sadly the only film on this list that isn’t a comedy; sadlier, it’s funnier than any film on this list; sadliest, the funniest lines were not even scripted, but actual quotes from an actual president… who was actually re-elected. And it’s not like the American public have an excuse, because there’s an old saying in Tennessee. I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee, that says ‘Fool me once… shame on… shame on you… you fool me, you can’t get fooled again. Now watch this drive.

Johnny Depp is back. And this time he’s in a Tim Burton movie. Come on, none of us saw that coming, right? This time it’s the remake of cult TV show (‘cult’, of course, means not one living soul watched it) Dark Shadows, in which Depp plays a mysterious kook. Who would have thought it?! To mark this biennial event, Ross McG puts all the Depp/Burton concoctions into one big mix.

Edward Scissorhands

Character: Edward Scissorhands. It’s in the title
Look: Gaunt. Wild long hair. Big feckin’ scissors for hands
Significant other: Wynona Ryder, after she’d done some Beetlejuicing
Verdict: Johnny be good

Ed Wood

Character: Ed Wood. It’s in the flipping title
Look: Slick hair. Creepy moustache. Not a scissored hand in sight
Significant other: Sarah Jessica Parker. Fresh from witching it up in Hocus Pocus
Verdict: Johnny be Wood

Sleepy Hollow

Character: Ichabod Crane. For once, it’s not in the title
Look: Gaunt. Long, wild hair. Edgy
Significant other: Addams Family member Christina Ricci
Verdict: Hollow man

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Character: Willy Wonka. If Depp were Gene Wilder, it’d be in the title
Look: Purple suit. Scary grin. Jackoesque
Significant other: Well, Helena Bonham Carter is in it. Can’t see Johnny doing too many other films with her, though
Verdict: To quote Jacko… Bad

Corpse Bride

Character: Victor Van Dort. No film would be named after this guy
Look: Animated. No, as in, the film is animated. Other than that… gaunt, weird hair, you know the drill
Significant other: Helena Bonham Carter. Well, her voice, anyway
Verdict: Cartoonish

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

Character: Ahhh smeg, he’s back in the title again
Look: Gaunt. Wild long hair. Scissors in his hands, if not his actual hands
Significant other: Helena Bonham Carter. Bear in mind these are all totally different films
Verdict: Choppy

Alice in Wonderland

Character: The Mad Hatter. May as well have called it ‘Mad Hatter in Wonderland’, mind
Look: Gaunt. Ginger. Big stupid grin on his face
Significant other: ‘I know, let’s get Helena Bonham Carter!’
Verdict: Completely hatty

Dark Shadows

Character: Barnabas Collins. No chance of getting in the title
Look: Gaunt. Cropped hair. Long fingernails. He’s a vampire, to be fair
Significant other: Helena Bonh- oh, no: it’s Eva Green. And Michelle Pfeiffer. HBC is in the thing though
Verdict: It sucks

So the Avengers have well and truly assembled, and hopefully the six-superpowered heroes will collectively manage to deafeat that rather unimposing bad guy in the silly costume (who Thor alone beat singlehandedly last time round). But who will Loki be most worried about? Is it his demi-god half brother who controls lightning… or that guy with great eyesight who can shoot a bow and arrow real good? To be fair, Jeremy Renner’s Hawkeye more than holds his own against his better-endowed brethren… which is more than we can say for these duds…

5. Silk Spectre II – Watchmen

Um, I think you should probably check on the oven…

We have the techie one, the crazy one, the murderous one, the smart one, the one who actually has superpowers, and… the hot one? Alright, she can throw a punch, but wearing that impractical a costume – including 10” heels – is just taking the p**s. Other skills include sleeping with other members of the team, including the guy who has the ability to destroy the planet, because introducing any sort of emotional instabilty there can only result in good things, right?

4.  Aquaman – Justice League of America

My other car is a fjord

This film hasn’t been made yet, but since it is physically impossible for comic book movies not to make money, you can be bloody well sure it soon will be. In a gang that features such near onmipotent members as Superman, Wonder Woman and Green Lantern, its hard to make your talents stand out. But when you are already the butt of jokes – even among comic nerds – it is very likely you are destined to be the film’s comic relief. Unless the film is based on an underwater union dispute, where strong swinmming ability and fish negotiation skills will be in high demand.

3. Sue Storm – Fantastic Four

‘Phew, somebody light a match a match… C’mere for a sec Johnny’

The Human Torch must have thought it was pretty feckin funny when the gang opened their lucky bags to see what powers they got. While he got to burst into flames and fly – not to mention an awesome ‘flame on!’ catchphrase – Ben ‘The Thing’ Grimm became deformed by a skin disease, Reed ‘Mr Fantastic’ Richards could reach for the salt even if it was at the other end of the table, while Sue became the Invisible Girl. Invisibility’s not all that bad a power, it’s just that it can be tough to depict. To avoid empty panels in the comics for example, it meant drawing her with a stupid dotted outline. It also meant in the films, whenever Jessica Alba wanted to use her force fields, she had to look like she was trying desperately hard to fart.

2. Jubilee – X-Men

Pew pew pew! Swoosh! Yay! Bring on Apocalypse!

It’s a case of blink and you’ll miss her in the x-men film. In fact it’s a case of blink three times and you’ll miss her in all three. Thankfully never promoted above cameos for any part of the trilogy, the annoyingly shrill ‘hip’ teen in her yellow trench coat has an even more annoying power: fireworks. Yes she musters the power of streams of brightly coloured lights from her fingers, which only ever serves to distract or pester supervillains in the cartoon. also shares a special ‘bond’ with Wolverine in the cartoon, which thankfully never materialised on screen, as Hugh Jackman would have surely loped her head off.

1. Tom Sawyer – The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

‘…..well, it’s more exciting than watching LXG I suppose….’

Captain Nemo, Dr Jeckyll/Mr Hyde, Allan Quatermain, Mina Harker, the Invisible Man, Tom Sawyer… wait, what? Tom Sawyer? Alan Moore’s excellent graphic novel brought together some of the greatest heroes from classic literature, and the subsequent not-quite-as-excellent-film threw in a few more for good measure. Dorian Gray we can forgive with the whole immortality thing, but Tom Sawyer? Doesn’t he just arse about beside rivers? In the film he’s just a younger less cool version of Allan Quartermain. Rumour has it he was shoehorned in because American audiences wouldn’t go see it unless there was a yank in it. Turns out audiences just didn’t want to see it full stop.

The American Pie crew are getting back together 13 years and eight films after the original (yes, eight! Have you seen The Naked Mile? No? Well, don’t). American Pie Reunion is actually pretty good, but we reckon these reunions would be a lot more fun to gatecrash.
5. Police Academy

Let out some steam, Bennett

Number of films: 7
Top of the class: City Under Siege – had that bit with Michael ‘Larvelle’ Winslow fighting in badly dubbed Japanese and then pretending to be a robot. Pretty much the only funny bit out of seven films.
Dunce’s corner: Mission to Moscow – Christopher Lee? Ron Pearlman? Seriously guys, hang your heads in shame. At least this film killed off the franchise… for now.
Awkward reunion moment: When Steve Guttenberg suggests a sequel to subsidise his fake tan addiction.
Most likely to get drunk and start a fight: Winslow, after being prodded and asked to ‘do’ sound effects one too many times.

4. Batman

Your N-Trance was good, his was better

Number of films: 8
Top of the class: The Dark Knight – unless the Dark Knight Rises manages to top it. But I doubt it.
Dunce’s corner: Batman and Robin – ‘It’s lucky we have these ice skates in our boots, Batman!’ ‘It sure is, Robin!’
Awkward reunion moment: When Adam West accidentally walks in Christian Bale’s line of sight.
Most likely to get drunk and start a fight: Um… how about Bale? Doesn’t need to be drunk though.

3. Star Trek

'...not while everyone's looking!'

Number of films: 11
Top of the class: First Contact – ‘The line must be drawn HERE!’ Picard kicks ass for an old bald dude.
Dunce’s corner: Generations – Shatner survived 79 episodes and six films of space battles and alien venereal diseases to *SPOILER* die… falling off a stupid bridge?
Awkward reunion moment: When The Shats demands to sing Rocket Man.
Most likely to get drunk and start a fight: Jonathan ‘Will Riker’ Frakes will definitely start on the new hot guy Chris Pine for stealing all the ladies.

2. Friday the 13th

Who wants to play pin the tail on the donkey?

Number of films: 12
Top of the class: Friday the 13th – The first one obviously, duh.
Dunce’s corner: Jason X – It is the year 2455, and the technology to restrain one guy with a machete still does not exist.
Awkward reunion moment: When a room full of producers realise at the exact same moment the next Friday 13th film will be…. the 13th one! Marketing done!
Most likely to get drunk and start a fight: Robert ‘Freddy’s nightmares’ Englund, who still hasn’t gotten over losing the scrap in Freddy V Jason

1. James Bond

What do you mean it's not fancy dress?

Number of films: 23
Top of the class: GoldenEye – Brosnan smirking, Famke Jansen squeezing, Sean Bean brooding, Tina Turner crooning, great Nintendo game – everything Bond should be.
Dunce’s corner: Quantum of Solace – Something about water? I can’t remember. Even the hilariously bad title couldn’t make grumpy Daniel Craig crack a smile.
Awkward reunion moment: When all 23 Bond girls arrive at Jimmy’s table at the same time for a dance.
Most likely to get drunk and start a fight: Sean Connery, just cause he’s a cranky old b*****x, apparently

The presidents daughter needs rescuing from a space prison? Sounds like a job for a wrongly convicted former government agent. Yes, that is the plot of Lockout, released this weekend. Even though Guy Pearce is pretty much guaranteed to score, there are even nicer prisons to stay at.

5. Fiorina ‘Fury’ 161 (Alien 3)

Pros: Located on an exotic remote planet 19.5 light years from Earth, no nagging women allowed, and you’re even allowed bring your pet dog (pending quarantine).
Cons: Pest problem, although there’s only one.

4. Devil’s Island (Papillion)

Pros: Situated on a fabulous tropical island of French Guiana, beautiful weather most of the year round, see wild animals or enjoy some relaxing meditation in the therapeutic solitary confinement suite.
Cons: Planning permission recently granted for a leper colony nearby. However residents there are happy to share their cigars.

3. Shawshank State Penitentiary (um, the Shawshank Redemption)

Pros: Shoe-shining service, piped music, complimentary book-cooking; rooms come with souvenir chess set and secret entrance for sneaking out those ‘late’ guests. For a small upgrade your entire stay can be constantly and delightfully narrated by the calming tones of Morgan Freeman.
Cons: The water slide into the outdoor pool needs cleaning.

2. Alcatraz (The Rock, The Birdman of Alcatraz, Escape from Alcatraz, et al)

Pros: Ease of access, judging by the fact that every third prison film is set there; stunning views of The Golden gate bridge; Woodwork and Papier-mâché classes. Annual swimming competition.
Cons: Unruly neighbours have been a problem in the past, such as Al Capone, George ‘Machine Gun’ Kelly, Nicholas Cage, the X-Men, and Mr Tinkles from The Revenge of Kitty Galore.

1. Longmarsh prison (Mean Machine)

Pros: Activity-friendly chain, VERY powerful in-room heating, staff don’t mind you putting on studded boots and kicking lumps out of them. Sister prison featured in Burt Reynold’s 1974 The Longest Yard (well worth a stay).
Cons: Sister prison featured in Adam Sandler’s 2005 The Longest Yard (um, maybe check into a motel or something).

WHAT MOVIE PRISON WOULD YOU LIKE TO STAY IN?

Easter may be over but you’re bound to have a few eggs lying around that you haven’t quaffed yet. No? Oh, well, too late. To keep you in the mood, here is Ross McG with the greatest bunch of eggs in cinema.

Airplane!

Scene: You can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs. Or so the saying goes. Well here’s a new saying. You can’t have one of the funniest films of all time without some Leslie Nielsen deadpanning. Faced with an airline patient who keeps bringing up eggs from her mouth, one of which releases a bird that flies around the cabin, he keeps his cool, considers his words carefully, then states: ‘I’ll be back in a minute.’ Classic.

How do you like your eggs? Funny side up

Tampopo

Scene: We know we are going to get crucified for leaving the 50-egg eating scene from Cool Hand Luke off this list, but we just thought it might be too much of an obvious, much-discussed choice. And anyway, could Paul Newman take his female co-star and suggestively pass an egg yolk between his mouth and hers until finally, in a none-too-subtle crescendo, the yolk breaks and spills all down her white dress? Actually, I’m not sure I would have wanted to see Paul Newman do that in a movie.

How do you like your eggs? Omelette there be love

Rocky

Scene: Rocky is a great movie, but it’s also at times a very depressing one. Nowhere is this better illustrated than in the Italian Stallion’s crawl out of bed at 4am straight to fridge door to have a healthy breakfast shake of five raw eggs. I’ve always wondered though, where does he put the shells? Looks like he just throws ‘em back in the fridge. Wouldn’t get away with that in my gaff. No wonder I cheered for Apollo Creed.

How do you like your eggs? ADDDRRIIIIIIAN!!!! RUNNY, PLEASE, ADDDRRRIIIIIAN!!

It’s almost as good as the South Park version. Good old Randy.

Ghostbusters

Scene: I don’t know what egg veteran (bloody Aliens, they’re flipping everywhere) Sigourney Weaver’s problem is. She gets all in a fluster when her batch of eggs jump out of their box and start frying themselves. Self-cooking food? I’d be delighted with that. A large dog in my fridge calling out the name of a 90s video game on the Amiga, however… yeah, to be fair I’d be a little freaked out by that.

How do you like your eggs? Simmering with fear

Big Night

Scene: This sequence has been on our minds a lot at Ross v Ross, mainly because it could slide into many of our lame lists. Best ending? You betcha. Best scene conducted in silence? Without a doubt. But instead we’ve fitted the frittata-making five minutes that concludes Big Night into our egg round-up. Stanley Tucci makes a mean breakfast.

How do you like your eggs? Scrambled with some brotherly love

Kramer vs Kramer

Scene: Who would have thought French toast could be so heartbreaking? There are very few actors who could make such a mundane activity – breaking up a few eggs and then making a total mess of breakfast – so exhilarating. ‘GOD DAMN HER!!’ he screams at the absent Meryl Streep when he brutalises he and his annoying kid’s morning meal. I haven’t seen Streep’s French toast, but he’s probably right, must be way better than Hoffman’s.

How do you like your eggs? Poached with underlying domestic strife

Hot Shots!

Scene: Is this from a spoof movie or a documentary? Charlie Sheen cooking eggs and bacon on a nubile female during a canoodling session somehow doesn’t seem far beyond the realms of possibility. A bit like Sigourney Weaver’s kitchen table top surface then, except in this case the table top surface is a living woman. The woman from Rain Man.

How do you like your eggs? Fried. On Valeria Golino’s tummy.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Scene: Oh Veruca Salt, how misunderstood you were. That mean Mr Wonka sent you down the Bad Egg shoot, but we know better. What did he expect, giving a kid a free ticket to a chocolate factory, then telling her she wasn’t allowed to touch anything? And that sanctimonious little brat Charlie Bucket, muttering ‘Here we go again..’ as you simply ask for a golden egg-laying goose. Who is he to judge? He STOLE fizzy lifting drinks!

How do you like your eggs? I don’t care how they come, but I WANT THEM NOW!!

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVOURITE EGG SCENES IN MOVIES?

ends

Titanic is back (in 3D) on the big screen to mark the centenary of the ship’s sinking/opportunity to make some cash from an old recyclable. It’s been 15 years since the apparently insufficient 2D version, but the film still lives fresh in our memories, thanks to one memorable scene… Kate Winslet confusing the definition of ‘flying’? Kate Winslet smudging fingerprints over that nice clean glass? Kate Winslet promising not to let go before prising Leo’s cold dead fingers off her minutes later? That guy bouncing off the railings when he fell off the back of the upturned ship? No! It’s that senile old wagon tossing the necklace into the sea. Ross McD charts the items from films that shouldn’t have been thrown away…

5. Titanic

I mean, Bill Paxton brought you all the way out here on what I can only assume is a terribly expensive expedition. He’s spent all this money, time and effort, dragged a whole crew out here looking for the Heart of the Ocean… and it’s been in your pocket the whole time! And after you make everyone sit there and listen to your rambling story for two-and-a-half hours, you wander out and toss the thing overboard! Why didn’t you donate it to a museum? Or sell it for charity? Or maybe even give it to that poor sap who’s spent his life looking for it inside? If I’d seen you do that, you would went in after it.

4. Point Break

What is it with people tossing stuff into the sea? Pick up a skimming stone or something! To be fair, Keanu Reeves was probably going to get fired anyway, what with releasing a prisoner an entire FBI team had travelled to Australia just to apprehend. But I’m pretty sure that FBI badge doesn’t actually belong to him – don’t you have to return those when the captain asks for ‘your shield and your gun’, as movie police captains are wont to do?

Watch the ending to Point Break HERE

3. Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi

- ‘Fulfil your destiny and take your father’s place by my side.’
- ‘Never!’ *tosses lightsaber away*
- ‘I’ll never turn to the dark side… oh wait! sh*t! You can shoot lightning out of your hands and stuff! I wish I had a lightsaber right now…’

Reminds me of another lightsaber-guard-dropping conversation…

- ‘If you strike me down Darth, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.’
- ‘Oh yeah? What will you be able to do?’
- ‘Well… I, uh, can occasionally talk to Luke in his head… uh, I can appear as a ghost momentarily… um…. that’s about it really.’
- ‘Oh Okay. I’m going to chop you in half now.’

2. Commando

Okay now Bennett, think: you’re in a pretty advantagous position here. You might become the first ever person to beat Arnie in a film! You’ve got a gun in one hand, his young daughter in the other, you’ve just shot him in the shoulder, and all he’s got is a knife! Just stay calm, checkmate is only a couple of moves away. No… don’t listen to him, he’s only trying to wind you up! No don’t throw his daughter away, that’s your only collateral! Just shoot him! No don’t throw the gun away too… look at the size of him! Why would you want to knife fight him? Oh Bennett, you deserve a pipe through the gut and a terrible kiss-off line.

1. ¡Three Amigos!

And now we come to the only entry on this list that was intentionally funny. There are plenty of gems in this classic with the three boys at the top of their game, but none better the sight of three parched amigos riding through the desert and stopping to drink from their canteens. Steve Martin’s contains but a trickle, Martin Short gets a mouthful of sand, before they both turn to watch Chevy Chase guzzle as he pours his full bottle all over his face, before casually tossing the still-spilling canteen onto the ground. The perfect scene is capped off when he then pointedly moisturises his lips, turns to finally notice his incredulously staring companions, before offering: ‘lip balm?’

WHAT ITEMS FROM MOVIES SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN DISCARDED?

Wrath of the Titans is out this week. You know, the sequel to Clash of the Titans from about ten minutes ago? But instead of rehashing their list of the most pointless sequels ever, Ross McG has taken Titans’ cue for another rundown: characters changing their haircuts in the next instalment of a movie franchise. Super mash-up pics from Ross McD.

Series: The Titans… as in Clash of the Titans and Wrath of the Titans

Clash... AAAA-AAAA! He'll comb every one of us!

Character: Perseus

Makeover: In Clash of the Titans, that one from a few years ago with the giant scorpions and the eye-scratchingly awful retrofitted 3D (the ‘D’ standing for ‘Dear lord, why did I pay to watch this?’, the ‘3’ signifying the number of times during the film you knew exactly what was going on), Perseus, poster boy for the gods, had a tight buzz cut. Questions were raised about whether an ancient hero such as this would have had access to an electric razor.

To be fair it briefly took the attention away from how crummy the film was. Anyway, in Wrath of the Titans, Perseus is back. But this time he has curls. Which of course, automatically makes the whole thing instantly historically accurate.

Verdict: Clash of the Curlers, but the buzz cut had to go

Series: Mission Impossible

Don't bother trying to shoot your new hair Hunt, the bullets will only bounce back off the impenetrable layers of conditioner

Character: Ethan Hunt

Makeover: It’s hard enough working out the plots of the Mission Impossible movies (Jon Voight is a bad guy! Who would have seen that coming?!) and the constant face-changing antics without worrying about the hair-changing antics of its main spy guy. You can always tell how good a Mission Impossible film is going to be by Tom Cruise’s hair. Short and tidy means the film will be edgy and laughter-free. Long and flowing means he is going to jump off lots of tall things. Like rocks. And the highest building in the world.

Verdict: Long is strong, but tight is right

Series: Alien

Take two bottles into the shower? No.

Character: Ellen Ripley

Makeover: Forget the bloody aliens, the real marvel of evolution in these films is Ripley’s barnet. It goes from regal and curly in Alien to Kevin Keegan curly in Aliens, before disappearing altogether in Alien3 and then metamorphosing into full blown mullet in Alien Resurrection. As scary a bunch of transformations as anything sucking on to your face then bursting out of your chest.

Verdict: Has to be Aliens. The deadliest curls in cinema history

Series: Star Wars – the prequels. Yep, sorry, the crap ones.

I hate my hair. It's coarse and it gets everywhere

Character: Anakin Skywalker

Makeover: Where do you start with this? What a mess. Terrible. I was left so angry by it. No, not the Star Wars prequels, but little Darth Vader’s hairstyle in Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith. If only it had have been Revenge of the Scissors. That way we would have been spared the awful adolescent cut from AOTC – part Ice Man from Top Gun, part My Little Ponytail – and the total shocking mop from ROTS. I’ve got a bad feeling about this haircut… Perhaps he just frightened the Jedi younglings to death by brushing it in front of them. Must have been awful hard to get sand out of it.

Verdict: A long time ago, in a hairdressing salon far, far away…

Series: Lethal Weapon

I'm getting too old for this shit haircut. So here's a new shit haircut

Character: Martin Riggs

Makeover: Subtle. Which is remarkable considering the firebrand pyscho burnout whose hair is doing the changing. Riggs is a cop who plays by his own rules… and so does his hair, barely altering from shaggy mullet in the first three movies, although it does get progressively tidier. Come Leathal Weapon 4 however and BOOM! the mullet is gone. It didn’t matter, cos nobody watched Lethal Weapon 4 anyway.

Verdict: The Lethal Weapon in this case is a pair of scissors. I never thought I’d say this… but this man suits a mullet

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVOURITE HAIRCUTS IN MOVIES?

The list of great movies to take place in towers is endless. The Towering Inferno… Die Hard… uh…. if you can think of any others let us know. In the meantime, here’s Ross McG’s review of Tower Heist.

Tower Heist (two stars)

There was a time in each of their careers when the new comedy movie from Ben Stiller, Eddie Murphy or Matthew Broderick would have been greeted with much anticipation. But a series of so-so (and in Murphy’s case, downright terrible) movies over the intervening years means Tower Heist, in which all three team up, is met with something of a shrug. The film itself does little to dispel this sentiment, not because it isn’t very funny, but because it barely even tries to be. The subject matter doesn’t help. The heist of the title sees Stiller and co try to rob a penthouse-dwelling Wall Street crook, played by Alan Alda, who has raided the building staff’s pension fund. One worker even tries to kill himself. Not exactly the kind of subject matter to produce an automatic barrel of laughs. Tower Heist is mired in the financials, when it should have just brought the funny.

This review first appeared in the Metro newspaper