Star Trek is back. And this time it’s dark. Except it isn’t really. Not at all, in fact. It has the word ‘darkness’ in its title, so that’s good. Kind of a misleading title though. Bit like X-Men Origins: Wolverine in that regard, which should have just been called Total Crapola. Anyway, here’s some things from Ross McD that you should know about James Tiberius Kirk.

5. He could have been Pike

In the pilot episode for the very first Star Trek, Captain James T Kirk was originally supposed to be Captain Christopher Pike, played by John Wayne’s mate in The Searchers, Jeffrey Hunter. But Hunter decided he wanted to do other things, and NBC decided the show was ‘too nerdy’ (if only the execs of the day could see what passes for ‘entertainment’ these days- I’m looking at you Big Bang Theory), and in am unprecedented move demanded a second pilot. The protagonist was changed to one James T Kirk. Pike still appears in Star Trek canon as an ancillary character.

4. He’s a slut

Captain Kirk’s penchant for the ladies is well known, but just how bad a womaniser is he? According to discussion site The Trek BBS, Kirk has, erm ‘made 8 confirmed home runs, 8 unconfirmed home runs and 13 1st base hits only (kissing)’… Which says a lot for the type of people who discuss Star Trek online. Anyhoo, it means Jimmy scored 29 times out of 79 TV episodes and eight films, a success rate of exactly one in three. That’s pretty decent.

3. He has a scary face

Following on from the above point, one would assume Captain Kirk was a bit of a handsome divil. Yet the creators of the film series Halloween thought Kirk’s visage was perfect as the poster boy for pure evil, deciding that homicidal undead demon Michael Myers would be at his scariest if he wore a Captain Kirk mask. Famously, because of its shoestring budget, John Carpenter’s crew bought the Kirk mask because it was cheap, merely cutting out the eyes and painting it white. So if Kirk was Irish and didn’t have a tan, he’d scare the bejesus out of you.

2. He’s a cheater

Captain Kirk – or then just Kirk – created a name for himself by cheating on his entrance exam, something you or I would have been kicked out of college for. The Kobayashi Maru test is a simulation Starfleet cadets must take, in which they are presented with a no-win scenario: either try rescue a crippled vessel in the neutral zone and risk all out war with the Klingons, or leave the crew to die. The test has no successful,solution, rather it is a test of character to see how takers react to no-win scenarios. Of course, James T Jerk can’t accept this, and instead reprogrammed the computer so he can rescue the vessel. His tutors end up commending him for ‘thinking out side the box’. If this kind of behaviour is encouraged, it’s no wonder all the other alien races in Star Trek hate humans.

1. He’s better at space than Buzz Aldrin

A 2010 survey by the Space Foundation found that James T Kirk was the sixth most inspirational space hero of all time, ahead of Col Buzz Aldrin in ninth. A guy who has actually been to space. And has walked on the moon. And who actually exists. Seriously.

Can you smell what The Rock is cooking? A considerable acting wage, on top of his presumably astronomical wrestling fees. Before the days when the likes of Dwayne Johnson could just pick and choose the roles he prefers, you had to be a pretty special wrestler to make the crossover from TV into movies. As Michael Bay’s Pain & Gain, starring The Rock, steamrolls its way to the top of the US box office, Ross McD looks at some wrestlers who shone outside the ring.

5. Suburban Commando

Everyone remembers the bit where Hulk Hogan feels the old woman’s melons, or the bit where Hulk Hogan has a fight with the talking car alarm, or the bit where Hulk Hogan punches the mime trapped in the ‘invisible forcefield’, or the bit where Hulk Hogan pulls down the tree containing a girl’s stranded cat (“that’s not my cat” – lol), or the bit where Hulk Hogan is threatened by a gang of thugs – who instead of beating him up – “are gonna sue you man – this is the 90s”.

Of course, the main reason this gem will really be remembered is it starred the greatest wrestler of all generations: The Undertaker. That’s right! One of those bounty hunters sent to catch the Hulkster is actually the far less impressive sounding Mark Calloway, who believe it or not, is still wrestling to this day. Talk about undead!

Even harder to believe, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito were originally supposed to play the roles of Hulk Hogan and Christoper Lloyd

4. Rocky III

While most wrestlers dream of making the leap from the ring to the big screen, very few do it the other way round. After being spotted on America’s Toughest Bouncers (yeah they’ve been making reality TV that long), Sylvester Stallone offered Mr T a role in Rocky III, originally a bit part, which eventually became that of the iconic Clubber Lang. Unfortunately, we never got to see Lang and Thunderlips square off, but Hulk Hogan would eventually recruit him as a WWF tag team partner three years later at WrestleMania. Mr T kept up the boxing shtick, even having a bout against Rowdy Roddy Piper, who himself just barely missed this list for his ass-kicking, normally bubble gum-chewing turn in John Carpenter’s They Live.

3. Man On The Moon

Who else could play Jerry The King Lawler but Jerry The King Lawler himself? I admit I knew feck all about comedian Andy Kaufmann the first time I watched this film, so it was a fascinating “is he/isn’t he?” insight into the various pisstakes that were his life. Not only did Jerry Lawler play a very convincing Jerry Lawler, I thoroughly believed his and Kaufmann’s feuds were real. In real life of course the two were friends. However that didn’t stop Lawler from breaking Kaufmann’s real life neck with a pile driver.

And speaking of comedy, Jim Carrey really does his best work outside of comedies – see also Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Truman Show and (yes) the Number 23.

2. Spider-Man

I am SO glad Sam Raimi didn’t go for the obvious casting choice for ‘Crusher Hogan’ – I mean, Crush was easily the worst member of the tag team Demolition. The decision to cast The Macho Man Randy Savage as Bonesaw McGraw is a canon tweak I happily endorse. I am also glad Mr Savage didn’t sully himself by appearing in the god awful remake/reboot/regurgitation/whatever it was with Andrew Garfield. Randy Savage was a great actor – I remember being thoroughly heartbroken for him when Ric Flair stole his wife Miss Elizabeth in the very public forum of the WWF.

Poor Randy died of a heart attack only two years ago at just 58. You should look up a list of professional wrestlers who have died young, it’s frightening. Seriously!

1. The Princess Bride

Cary Elwes is pretty badass in this film, taking on some some pretty intimidating opponents. He goes up against a Sicilian when death is on the line (only a slightly less-known classic blunder than ‘never get involved in a land war in Asia’), and also takes on Inigo Montoya who is like, super pissed about the whole father killing thing. But his tests of smarts and skill are nothing compared to his test of strength, when he faces the Turkish giant Fezzik. Pretty easy casting job for director Rob Reiner, who just looked up the first name in the phonebook with the surname ‘Giant’. All the same, Andre The Giant probably could have held his own in the test of smarts – Samuel Beckett used to drive him to school when he was a child, don’tcha know?

With Iron Man 3 currently tearing it up in cinemas, Ross McD gets all gushy and reveals the reasons behind his man crush on Tony Stark, played by Robert Downey Jr.

5. He has a moustache

Adolf Hitler. Joseph Stalin. Saddam Hussein. Osama Bin Laden. Emperor Ming. Dick Dastardly. Captain Hook. Miles Mayhem. Without exception, there literally has not been a person in the history of mankind who had a moustache who wasn’t evil. Very rare among presidents or politicians (makes it look like you have something to hide, as Homer Simpson once wisely observed). Women almost never wear them.

That’s why they’re known as the fairer sex. Superheroes pretty much never grow them. Would you trust Superman if he had a tache? Not even Wolverine, the hairiest fecker out there, dares attempt one. The only exceptions are the Green Arrow, who sucks (ooh he’s a really good archer – Olympians beware!) and the Comedian from Watchmen, who really was more rapist-sadist-murderer than hero. But Tony Stark doesn’t give a damn about any of this. He rocks a ronnie. And he looks good. Morally and aesthetically.

4. He didn’t get involved in a pissing contest when choosing his name

SUPERman! because I’m like, super, you know? If the name of DC’s favourite son wasn’t so deeply ingrained in our psyches and in popular culture, we would think that name was pretty stupid upon hearing it.

And there are worse: Captain Marvel. Mr Fantastic. Wonder Woman. The Incredible Hulk. The Amazing Spiderman. Seriously lads – and lassies – get over yourselves.

Tony Stark meanwhile opts for Iron Man. The most rubbish of the metals. The most common on earth. It’s soft. It rusts. His suit’s not even made of iron, it’s a gold titanium alloy. It’s not really even a suit, its made up of 2million tiny individual cells held together by a force field. But, as Tony said, Iron Man ‘sounds provocative’. And as Ozzy Osbourne said, ‘Gold-titanium alloy man’ just didn’t have the same ring to it.

3. He shuns anonymity

Whether it’s a mask, a cowl, a hood or, um, a pair of glasses coupled with a slightly different hairstyle, superheroes are cowardly types who like to hide their identities. Sure they talk about protecting their loved ones, like Peter Parker trying to ensure either Mary Jane or Aunt May doesn’t get kidnapped AGAIN this week, but they’re really just afraid of getting hassled by the paparazzi.

Sure, he wears a full helmet, but everyone knows Tony Stark is Iron Man thanks to his hilarious reveal via press conference. An excellent Marvel Comics story arc called Civil War tackles the issue quite seriously (or as seriously as universes such as Marvel’s can get) in which an act requiring superheroes to reveal their secret identities and register themselves as WMDs divides the world’s heroes, Iron Man leading the for side and Captain America against, and they end up kicking the superhero out of each other.

And you thought they were best buds in The Avengers!

2. He has no superpowers

Superheroes, by definition, are supposed to have super powers. Otherwise, they’re just heroes, like firefighters and cops and blood donors and whatnot. But occasionally, one manages to sneak into the pantheon without having any super human abilities at all.

Batman is a prime example. He’s a member of the Justice League, up there with omnipotent aliens like Superman and omnipotent jewellery wearers like the Green Lantern, yet he’s just a mortal man. Theoretically, you or me could achieve the same station in life (if the Justice League were a real thing).

Batman’s just a badass who’s really rich and really smart and stuff, but essentially he’s just a man, which is what makes him so endearing. Just like Tony Stark. Just a super rich, super smart dude. And while his suit is all the flash, his best attribute is really his intelligence.

1. He’s a jerk

Despite having two identities, superheroes are are frequently very one-dimensional. You tolerate and sit through the boring ‘human’ bits until they finally pull their costumes on and start kicking some ass. Tony Stark meanwhile is just as enjoyable to watch as Tony stark as he is as Iron Man, if not more so.

Hilariously cocky, and so self-involved it belies his intellect. Here is one of the richest men in the world with an empire built of defence technology, a weapons monger who is indirectly responsible for the deaths of tens of thousands, and who needs to be kidnapped by the people his instruments of death have been incinerating before he realises ‘OMG – weapons have the potential to hurt people.

And hurting people is wrong. sad face. I’m not making weapons for these bold boys any more.

‘Now wait here where I strap on my suit of weapons and watch me blow stuff up!’

‘PS I’m awesome.’

Danny Boyle, the man who won Great Britain all those Olympic medals, or something, is back. In his new film Trance, James McAvoy lets Rosario Dawson hypnotise him and do whatever she wants with him. The poor fella. Boyle has been hypnotising audiences (see what we did there?) for almost two decades across a range of genres. Let’s take a look at some of the common themes running through his work.

Shallow Grave (1994)

Set in Scotland? Set in Edinburgh but mainly filmed in Glasgow. It could have been any city… they’re all the same
Scottish actor in the lead? Yup. Ewan McGregor
Any psychos? Loads. Everyone’s trying to kill each other. Christopher Eccleston’s is the scariest though
Deaths? Yes. Let’s not get too spoilery, but Keith Allen plays a great body. That’s ‘plays’, not ‘has’
Message? If your future flatmates are mean to you during the interview process, you may not be alive very long
Blistering soundtrack? Boyle started off as he meant to go on. Classics from Nina Simone and Andy Williams lighten the mood, no mean feat
Any dance music in there? Yes. Nice bit of Leftfield. Great way to open Boyle’s career in feature films

Trainspotting (1996)

Set in Scotland? Again, set in Edinburgh but predominantly shot in Glasgow
Scottish actor in the lead? McGregor again, ably supported by Ewen Bremner, Robert Carlyle and Kelly Macdonald
Any psychos? One towering one. Begbie. The Scottish psycho to end all Scottish psychos. No, seriously, he did end the rest of them
Deaths? Yes, from cat faeces
Message? Don’t ever, ever do heroin. Only a moron could take the opposite message from this film
Blistering soundtrack? Oh boy. Only THE soundtrack. And there were two of them. Lust For Life by Iggy Pop became an anthem for high street robbers
Any dance music in there? Lots. Underworld’s Born Slippy was inescapable. And rightly so

A Life Less Ordinary (1997)

Set in Scotland? Nope. Boyle goes to America
Scottish actor in the lead? McGregor… check
Any psychos? Psychotic angels Holly Hunter and Delroy Lindo. Angels are jerks
Deaths? Uh… yeah. If you can kill supernatural beings in humanoid form. That’s angels
Message? Not sure there is one. That angels are more believable than Ewan McGregor as a janitor? Is that a message?
Blistering soundtrack? Oh yes. Very underrated too. Beyond The Sea the highlight. Way better than the movie, Beyond The Sea
Any dance music in there? You can take the Boyle out of Scotland but… etc. Orbital, Prodigy, Faithless… that dancy enough for ya? Even REM’s Leave is vaguely clubby

The Beach (2000)

Set in Scotland? Yikes. Can you imagine how cold this film would have been had it been set in Scotland?
Scottish actor in the lead? Yes… No! McGregor was in line for the part but studio pressure meant Leonardo DiCaprio was called in. Boyle and McGregor fell out
Any psychos? Begbie! Robert Carlyle plays someone called Daffy. Psycho-tastic. To be fairness, any character who wishes to spend their life living on one bit of sand has to be a bit psychotic
Deaths? Yeah, but they’re mostly smug backpacker types, so you’re unlikely to notice/care
Message? Don’t take your hot French girlfriend on a beach holiday with a shirtless Leonardo DiCaprio
Blistering soundtrack? Blistering may be pushing it, but you do forget how good Pure Shores by All Saints is sometimes
Any dance music in there? Maybe. Or sorry, Moby. And that bloody song you just couldn’t get away from

28 Days Later (2002)

Set in Scotland? Nope. After the eerie goings-on in London, Manchester is as far as our heroes get
Scottish actor in the lead? Irish, actually. The always brilliant Cillian Murphy. Yep, even in Tron: Legacy. Ah feck, who are we kiddin’?
Any psychos? Loads. Not the mad folk infected with the Rage virus, but the bloomin’ army
Deaths? Uh… only most of England
Message? For that perfect London tourist experience, wait for all of the city to be wiped out
Blistering soundtrack? Different, but still blistering. Less All Saints, more all-consuming – the score from composer John Murphy is pretty mesmerising
Any dance music in there? Who wants to dance at a time like this?

Millions (2004)

Set in Scotland? Nope. Widnes
Scottish actor in the lead? Another negative. At this stage in Boyle’s career, it was time to call in Jimmy bleedin’ Nesbitt
Any psychos? Jimmy flippin’ Nesbitt is disappointingly un-psychoish in this film
Deaths? Pretty big one. The seven-year-old protagonist’s mother has died
Message? Money is great
Blistering soundtrack? Muse’s greatest ever song, Hysteria. And lots of Christmas classics
Any dance music in there? No Orbital or Underworld. Come on, Boyley!

Sunshine (2007)

Set in Scotland? A film about the sun set in Scotland? I know it’s science fiction but you want the audience to at least keep some sense of reality
Scottish actor in the lead? Nope. It’s an ensemble. Cillian Murphy is back though
Any psychos? The characters are on a mission to reignite the dying sun. They’re all psychos
Deaths? Shedloads. They’re on a mission to reignite the sun, remember?
Message? The Beatles were full of crap. Good Day Sunshine? Good one
Blistering soundtrack? Blistering in that it’s about reigniting the sun. John Murphy and Underworld join forces. Adagio in D Minor goes on to be used in every trailer ever
Any dance music in there? Yay, Underworld!

Slumdog Millionaire (2008)

Set in Scotland? No, it’s set in a country with a sun shining over it
Scottish actor in the lead? No again. Dev Patel is the main man and he’s a Londoner
Any psychos? Oh, I dunno… how about the guy pouring acid into kids’ eyes to blind them?
Deaths? It’s like Millions all over again: hero’s mother dies when he is young
Message? If ever asked a cricket trivia question, the answer is ‘Jack Hobbs’
Blistering soundtrack? AR Rahman comes up with a great one. JAI HO!
Any dance music in there? MIA. Nothing missing in action about this film’s music though

127 Hours (2010)

Set in Scotland? Come on Danny, get back to Scotland! It’s Utah this time
Scottish actor in the lead? No, it’s Spider-Man’s buddy, James Franco
Any psychos? Bizarrely, the guy who cuts his own arm off ISN’T a psycho
Deaths? SPOILER ALERT… no
Message? Always tell someone where you are going
Blistering soundtrack? AR Rahman again, with some help from Bill Withers. Lovely (Day)… unless you get stuck under a boulder
Any dance music in there? The ultimate dance track: Ça plane pour moi by Plastic Bertrand

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE DANNY BOYLE FILM?

Magic hasn’t always been popular – they used to burn people who were any good at it at the stake. It’s all the rage now, a rage that lasts a thousand years according to Freddie Mercury. With the Incredible Burt Wonderstone in cinemas, Ross McD counts down the greatest magic tricks ever pulled on screen.

5. The Illusionist

The Illusionist was a good film in its own right. It just suffered the unfortunate timing of being released at the exact same time as the sort of similar and far superior The Prestige. Ed Norton pulls the rather impressive stunt of making an orange tree grow before the audience’s eyes. But it’s his subtle sleight of hand in the lead-up to the trick that we like most, such as the slow motion drop of the orange from one hand to the other, only noticed by a small section of the audience. Even more impressive, where the hell did the soil in the empty bucket come from?

4. The Prestige 

Ever wonder who’d win in a fight between Wolverine and Batman? While Christopher Nolan gets most of his plaudits for his Batman movies and Inception, this gem is as good as either. Obviously, I’d be contradicting myself if I didn’t put this above The Illusionist. There are plenty of great tricks in this film, which make for even better watching when rival magicians Hugh Jackman and Christian Bale sabotage each other. Neither man can be accused of not being dedicated to his art, but it is The Great Danton’s ‘The Real Transported Man’ that really shocks – tenfold when the method is revealed.

3. The Dark Knight

Ah, who’ll ever forget this screen introduction? With a simple slam of a skull onto a table, Heath Ledger didn’t just make that pencil disappear – every doubt over casting, every pre-emptive Jack Nicholson comparison, every scornful Ten Things I Hate About You reference, also disappeared up into that guy’s eye socket never to be seen again. Much like everything else for that poor henchman.

2. The Usual Suspects

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. That’s a matter of opinion, and one from somebody who probably hasn’t seen many of his card tricks. Of course, Kevin Spacey’s Verbal Kint isn’t actually talking about Satan, rather one of his protégés, Keyser Soze. The story of how he made his entire family disappear is a great one, but he blasphemes the magicians code by explaining how he did the trick. Jerk.

1. The Life of Jesus Christ

Just as The Prestige must come above The Illusionist, we can’t really have Satan outranking Jesus in the list either. A dab hand at party tricks, Jesus was the saviour of mankind but in particular caterers. Later in his career, he would pull off the big crowdpleasers like resurrection from the dead and ascension into heaven, but it is his early food tricks we like most, like Feeding the 5,000 with five loaves and two fishes (is the plural of ‘fish’ not ‘fish’?). Of course, nothing quite tops turning water into wine, an especially popular trick in Ireland.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE MOVIE MAGIC TRICK?

This week sees the release of Identity Thief, a new comedy with everyone’s second favourite Teen Wolf, Jason Bateman, and everyone’s favourite Bridesmaid, Melissa McCarthy. We won’t let the fact the film looks terrible get in the way of this week’s list, which takes a look at the most memorable moments of mistaken identity in movies.

9. Dave

We’ve all wondered what it would be like to be the US president for a couple of days. Would we be Martin Sheen-like – dignified and principled – or would we go the Bill Pullman route and hop in a fighter jet to take out some alien scum? It’s one of the biggest philosophical questions of our time. When it comes to movie prezzas, however, I’m a Kevin Kline fan. In Dave, he plays a presidential lookalike who gets thrust into the big role when the real deal has a kinky stroke. Not only does he look like him, he makes a better president. Much to Frank Langella’s chagrin. Well, he is Nixon.

8. Housesitter

Who wouldn’t want to come home one day to find Goldie Hawn had moved in? Housesitter is a bit like Overboard in reverse. Instead of Goldie Hawn ending up in a house without her knowing how she got there because Kurt Russell is being a jerk, in Housesitter she sneaks into Steve Martin’s house and then passes herself off as her wife to all his friends and family. Goldie Hawn? Goldilocks, more like.

7. Accidental Hero

Also known as just Hero, it’s really Cinderella, except with an unshaven Dustin Hoffman as the belle of the ball. His no-good crim, Bernie LaPlante, grows a conscience and loses a shoe while saving survivors from a plane cash, only for suave – but equally (and always) unshaven Andy Garcia to take all the credit. Like most of director Stephen Frears’ work, there is much to enjoy here. And it has a terrific ending scene…

6. The Truth About Cats And Dogs

Okay, so it’s not as good as Must Love Dogs, but what film with ‘dogs’ in its title is? Quiet, Quentin Tarantino fans. In The Truth… poor Ben Chaplin gets hoodwinked by plotting Janeane Garofolo and Uma Thurman into thinking one’s voice matches the other’s body. Women can be so cruel sometimes.

5. While You Were Sleeping

Peter Gallagher is unconscious. That’s it. That’s all you need to know. That’s the plot of this movie. Ironic really, given that Gallagher went on to play a character whose nickname was Sandman. Yep, that was a shoutout to all you fans of The OC out there. Plot or no plot, While You Were Sleeping is actually really sweet. And why wouldn’t Sandra Bullock fall for Bill Pullman? He is the freaking fighter jet-flying president, after all.

4. The Man Who Knew Too Little

More Peter Gallagher now, this time playing Bill Murray’s brother (what a childhood that must have been) in this mistaken spy comedy. Murray gets taken for a hitman by almost every British actor ever after Gallagher sets him up in a role-playing theatre company’s fake drama. David Fincher made a version of this movie in the same year. It was called The Game.

3. Taking Care Of Business

Not many movies are named after a Bachman-Turner Overdrive song, but that honour goes to this James Belushi/Charles Grodin 80s life-swap shindig. Although a poorer cousin of Trading Places, it still has Charles flippin’ Grodin, so is pretty much guaranteed to be worth watching. When his Filofax (the film went under the name Filofax in the UK) is picked up by Belushi, much hilarity ensues. Well, kind of. But at least Charles Grodin is in it.

2. North By Northwest

What does Roger O. Thornhill expect when his middle name doesn’t stand for anything? Surely with an attitude to monikers like that he’s bound to become a victim of mistaken identity at some point? Don’t see why he doesn’t like ‘George Kaplan’ – it’s a good, strong name.

1. Teen Agent

What is it with movies about mistaken identity having their own crisis of identity? It may have been Teen Agent here in the UK, but this was called the rather more bland and De Palma-like If Looks Could Kill in the US. Clearly, the US is wrong. Although to be fair, Richard Grieco was as much a teen in this movie as he was an agent – he was just about to turn 26 when the film was released. The 21 Jump Street alumni’s first feature sees him play a high school underachiever named Michael Corben. While on his way to a school trip to France, a CIA agent who is also called Michael Corben is assassinated, leaving Grieco to step into the breach. Thankfully, Richard explains the entire plot for us in the trailer.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE MISTAKEN IDENTITY MOVIE?

To celebrate the release this week of director Eran Creevy’s actioner, Welcome To The Punch, starring James McAvoy and Mark Strong, we’ve decided to welcome you to some of the best punches in movie history. Make sure to keep your guard up.

9. Snatch

Where better to start than with a British heist movie, given Welcome To The Punch’s credentials. Back in 2000, Guy Ritchie was one of the hottest directing talents around. Because he has taken a bit of stick since – RocknRolla was as bad as its own spelling, while Swept Away has thankfully acted out its own title – it is often forgotten just how good Ritchie’s Snatch, ahem, is. Out-Locking Lock, Stock, this was a film that proved Jason Statham could act and that Brad Pitt could act like an Irish gypsy. When you look at the muck they hand Oscars out for these days, it really is a wonder why Pitt’s indecipherable bare-knuckle boxer didn’t get some recognition. He hits two great punches in Snatch. One is in the fine Oasis-soundtracked finale, but we prefer the first indication that he may be more than he seems. Poor Gorgeous George just didn’t see him coming. And cue The Stranglers…

8. Back To The Future

A punch that actually changed the course of history. No, not Ali flooring Foreman in the Rumble in the Jungle, but George McFly biffing Biff Tannen. Sometimes, when you are caught in a situation which could result in your son dating your wife and his own mother, violence IS the answer.

7. Raging Bull

Martin Scorsese’s masterpiece is a film of two halves. On the one hand, you have the brutal and bloody violence which makes you watch through your fingers. And then there are the boxing scenes in the ring. The fight sequences in Raging Bull have nothing on the domestic life of Jake LaMotta (Robert De Niro). Here he asks his brother Joey (Joe Pesci) to go to work on his face. For, you know, fun. He ain’t heavy… he’s hitting me with his fist.

6. Dumb & Dumber

Some day, we’re going to compile a top ten phone booth scenes list. It will have the bit in Midnight Run where De Niro pretends he’s gonna kill Charles Grodin; it will have the bit in Trading Places where Clarence Beeks shows how polite he can be. And it will have this. The lesson here is to be patient when someone is making a call in a phone booth. What’s a phone booth?

5. Independence Day

Sometimes life just deals you a bad hand. You travel all the way across the galaxy to a planet to meet your hero, the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and when you get there and see him face-to-face, what does he do? Punch you, that’s what. What a jerk.

4. Slap Shot

More punches from brothers here, as the Hanson siblings  - no, not those ones – put the ‘I am going to rip your head off’ in ‘I-ce hockey’. I went to an ice hockey match once. It was boring. Almost as boring as watching basketball. Do yourself a favour, just watch Slap Shot instead. Who knew that a trio of guys who look like Mike Mills from REM could be so violent?

3. The Wicker Man

Nicolas Cage is punchier than the average bear. It’s stupid to even try to come up with a pithy comment about this clip. It’s just brilliant. Watch it.

2. Indiana Jones and the Punch Raiders of the Temple Crusade

How do you pick one punch from the Indiana Jones movies? We can’t help but love every whipcrack-sounding one of them. Although I have a special place in my heart for the bit on the truck in Raiders of the Lost Ark where he beats up Paul Hogan’s Nazi cousin.

1. Blazing Saddles

And so we come to the most famous horse-puncher of them all, Mongo. Sadly, the actor who played him, professional wrestler and NFL player Alex Karras, died of kidney failure last year. Mongo can park whatever animal has brought him into town wherever he chooses. And remember: if you shoot him, you’ll just make him mad.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE MOVIE PUNCH?

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Of course, we all know The Wizard Of Oz is really about witches. As Sam Raimi’s prequel, Oz The Great And Powerful, is released, we run through the best witches in movie history. Be warned: they are certain to put a spell on you.

7. The Craft

If you like your witches filled with teen angst, forget Sabrina and check out this lot from The Craft. Back in the mid-90s, this movie is the reason why all the girls in your class at school were acting a bit weird. Just be thankful the girls in school didn’t make you lose your hair or get hit by a car like this witchy little lot. Fairuza Balk, we salute you.

6. Hocus Pocus

While the craft has a coven of four, the best witch groups come in threes, as our next two entries on the list illustrate. Nobody conjures up witch fun like the Sanderson sisters, Winnie, Mary and Sarah, played with great relish by Bette Midler, Kathy Najimy and Sarah Jessica Parker. These gals are just out for a great time and if that means hunting down the kid from Eerie Indiana, then so be it.

5. The Witches of Eastwick

If the Sanderson sisters aren’t your bag, then try this: Cher, Sarandon, Pfeiffer. What a great set of witches. If they remade this now, they would cast it with Megan Fox, Lindsay Lohan and Scarlett Johansson. And it would suck.

4. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

It never ceases to amaze me how annoying it is to write out that title in full – no wonder this franchise didn’t really take off. Which is kind of a pity, because at the heart of it there is a brilliant villain in the shape of Tilda Swinton’s White Witch. Rumour had it that Nicole Kidman was in line for the role, but great actress as she is (go watch To Die For if you don’t believe me), I’m not sure she could have brought enough nastiness to the character, and she blew her witch kudos with Practical Magic. It’s amazing they gave Swinton such licence to be so terrifying – she actually appears to be enjoying slaying Jesus – sorry, Aslan. The film falls down on her offer of Turkish delight though to hoodwink Edmund. It tastes like crap.

3. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Here’s a bitch disguising herself as a witch, as the wicked queen dabbles in some boil and bubble to disguise herself into giving poor Snow White a poisoned apple. Surely a mask could have sufficed?

2. The Witches

The clue is in the title. What a smashing adaptation of Roald Dahl’s book this is. Director Nicolas Roeg will always remain best known for almost destroying Venice’s tourism industry with Don’t Look Now, but The Witches remains one of his gems. Angelica Huston is fantastic as the Grand High Witch, who brings child-to-mouse transformation to the English seaside. You know when critics say, ‘Oh, what a brave performance by that actress’, for doing something as simple as taking their top off when they reach their ’40s? Well, try taking your face off to reveal Gollum’s melting face with Pinocchio’s nose attached… before turning into a giant rat. Now THAT is brave.

1. The Wizard Of Oz

And where better to end than with the scariest witch of them all… yes, that Glinda the Good Witch can be a real witch bitch sometimes. No, not her, the one with the green skin. Margaret Hamilton’s portrayal of the Wicked Witch of the West is one of the greatest performances ever, let alone the greatest witch performance. Frightening generations of children with one cackle, this really is the best movie witch. In your face, Blair.

WHO IS YOUR FAVOURITE MOVIE WITCH?

There’s a film called Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters out this week. We’re big Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton fans here at Ross v Ross Towers, but this looks like a big dollop of crud. The story of Hansel & Gretel would work better as a slow-moving Michael Haneke piece, with a close-up of every bread crumb dropped in the forest. Anyway, we’re not interested in this film because of Jez and Gemma. We’re barely interested in it at all. The reason we are even slightly interested in it is because of one man: Peter Stormare. He may not have a name you know but he has a face you have almost definitely seen. And for some reason he’s in Hansel & Gretel: Cruise Control or whatever it’s called. But forget it. Here are his truly greatest movie moments.

6.  Armageddon

Michael Bay. You either hate him or you hate him so much you cannot express how much you hate him. That’s actually a little unfair. The Rock is a fun piece of tosh and I think Armageddon falls into the same category. It’s made more fun by Stormare’s appearance late in the day as a crazed cosmonaut who’s been stuck in space a little too long. And if you thought Bruce Willis saved the day in this movie, think again.

5. Minority Report

If this was made now amid the usual muck that slimes its way into cinemas under the slippery title of ‘blockbusters’ these days, it would immediately be proclaimed as the best film ever made. Minority Report is the perfect example of a box office beast that has brains as well as action. Stormare crops up again late on, helping Tom Cruise with some surgery that will help him see things from a whole new perspective. And he even makes the Cruiser a sandwich. Aw, isn’t that nice.

4. The Lost World: Jurassic Park

Stormare had already worked with Spielberg before Minority Report, as a particularly nasty dino hunter who is the sequel’s Dennis Nedry. He even gets to swear in his native Swedish.

3. Fargo

So Fargo, so fargood. Stormare’s big break in Hollywood and well deserved. Playing the completely reprehensible Gaear Grimsrud, he still manages to stand out in a film packed with terrific performances. We could show him throwing the remains of Steve Buscemi into a wood chipper, but let’s play nice and watch him pine for some pancakes instead.

2. Constantine

There have been some good Satans in movie history (not you, Elizabeth Hurley), but Stormare is a fantastically creepy Lucifer in the massively underrated Constantine. He really could do with giving his feet a scrub, though.

1. The Big Lebowski

More Coen brothers action from Stormare, where he steals several scenes as Uli Kunkel, also known as Karl Hungus. When he’s not lying wasted in a pool or fixing cable TV, he’s chasing after you with a giant pair of scissors to cut off your penis. What a guy.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE PETER STORMARE PERFORMANCE?

Take two movies into the shower? No, let’s take ten. In the final part of our bathroom trilogy, we move from the bath and the toilet into a nice, hot, steamy, cinematic shower. Warning: You may need a towel.

10. Casino Royale

A shower scene in a James Bond movie? Boring. Oh, hang on, instead of JB getting to grips with some hot lady under the water, this shower scene is actually quite clever. The first Bond film to acknowledge that seeing people getting killed is actually quite stressful.

9. Arachnophobia

Known more for his producing credits on a whole host of Spielberg movies, Frank Marshall is actually a pretty skilled director too, as anyone who has seen Alive and, uh, Eight Below, will testify. He does a great job with Arachnophobia and this scene sums up the movie – as it doesn’t go where you might expect.

8. Naked Gun 33⅓: The Final Insult

The classic prison shower scene gets a makeover from the late, great Leslie Nielsen. Don’t call him Shirley, and don’t try to get him to bend over and pick up the soap either.

7. Elf

Yeah, let’s stick a shower scene with Zoooooooooey Deschanel in a kids’ Christmas movie. Actually, that’s a terrific idea. Like the rest of the movie, this is really sweet.

6. Enchanted

More shower sweetness, this time with Amy Adams getting out of the water, her nudity quickly covered by some pigeons. Damn you, pigeons! ‘I hope you had nice dreams.’ If only everyone was this nice.

5. American Psycho

Mmmmm… honey almond body scrub. No one gets ready for work like Paddy Bateman.

4. It

This scene stopped me showering for about a year. This film made me avoid storm grates for life. Flipping clowns, I hate ‘em.

3. Bambi

A different shower now, an April one. Bambi is such a magical film and this is its most magical moment.

2. Weird Science

Cleverly conveying teenage boyhood fantasy with a neat twist, this shower scene is scientifically proven to make you laugh. Why would Kelly LeBrock need to shower anyway, if she was a computerised creation?

1. Psycho

We like to be a bit controversial here on Ross v Ross sometimes, but even we aren’t pigheaded enough not to put this at Number 1. Alfred Hitchcock was a master at making the mundane absolutely terrifying and millions of movie-goers reverted to washing themselves with only cloths for months after seeing this scene.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE MOVIE SHOWER SCENE?