Guy talking to a kid. Kid rides a motorbike. Cue Dark Knighty music. Stupid Batman. He’s ruined every other movie for everybody. Kid goes to a rundown arcade. Guy keeps talking in voiceover. He is boring me a little. Isn’t this the trailer for the new Tron movie? Where are all the flashy bikes that leave lines behind them? Where is Jeff Bridges? Where is the Atari 2600?

He’s still talking. This is getting unbearable. Give me my lasers, dammit. Right, way over a minute gone and it looks like something is about to happen. Kid has found a computer. And POOF!! All of a sudden we’re in Tron world. What, just like that? No teaser of how he managed to get there? Tron world looks quite neat though, if a little cold. It looks a bit like an advert for the Winter Olympics. Finally, a bike with a line coming out of it. It’s all a little too slick though. Where’s the lovely crappiness of the original movie? I want Pac-Man, not Final Fantasy Thirteen.

A-ha… the Bridges! This guy has an Oscar, now. Don’t think he’ll get another one for this.

VERDICT: I’m going to count to three. There will not be a four

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Time to get down to business again. This time with Tony Stark. For a weapons manufacturer who doesn’t like manufacturing weapons any more, he has manufactured a pretty impressive weapon…

If only all trailers began like this. A crowd shouting. A superhero making a superheroic entrance. And most important of all, AC/DC blaring. Welcome back Iron Man. This looks great… oh dear – now Scarlett Johansensensensen has turned up. Luckily, the trailer editor has decided not to let her speak. Instead we get Robert Downey Jr making quips.

Oooo, the music has changed now and we’re somewhere cold. Russia maybe. There’s some guy with a lot of newspaper clippings in front of him. Why is it that only psychos keep newspaper clippings? Hey, it’s Mickey Rourke, babbling about sharks and blood and water or something. Bottom line: he’s gonna kick Iron Man’s ass.

And he does that. At the Monaco race track. Good a place as any, I suppose. Mickey Rourke has big electrical wires coming out of his arms. That’s pretty lame. Like Doc Ock, but with a bad accent. Now he’s telling Tony Stark how he’s gonna be in trouble in an interrogation room. This is very Dark Knight. Now Mickey is talking with Sam Rockwell. Sam Rockwell is cool. He was even cool in Charlie’s Angels. He looks pretty cool here too. He too wants to kick Iron Man’s ass. Is his ass made of iron?

Anyway, Tony clearly decides he can’t go it alone with so many bad guys teaming up against him, so he calls in Don Cheadle. They put on their stupid looking suits and… AC/DC kicks in again! Now we’re getting somewhere. War Machine is almost as cool as Sam Rockwell. Samuel L Jackson was cool about 15 years ago.

I am excited. This is the best trailer I’ve seen in a long time.

VERDICT: Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho.

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Okay, we have a map. Good start. Everyone likes maps in movies. They make characters go somewhere. Nice scenery. These guys seem to be having fun. This looks like the perfect camping trip, can’t imagine anything going wrong here…

Did that guy just eat a bug? Was it a bit much to bring a packed lunch? I like the finer things in life – nice suits, fine wines – I don’t think I would like this trip. I’m not sure if this is a trailer for a movie or a Jack Daniels commercial.

Oh oh. The fun music has stopped. Things are about to get dark. Oh dear, they’re fighting amongst themselves now and, ah, some guy has ended up with a spike in his side. Not good. Worse is to come. Looks like one of his ‘buddies’ is about to bash him over the head with a rock. With friends like these, who needs really bad friends? Now it’s a game of cat and mouse. This couldn’t be worse than The Blair Witch Project.

‘You can’t go back, man! Things aren’t the same!’ Ha! Great pay-off line. Clichéd but great. If you go down to the woods today… you might just find some guys trying to kill each other. And you know what? It looks like a fun movie.

VERDICT: Thank you Mr Cowboy, I’ll take it under advisement.

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Ooo… cool music. I might like this. Someone is getting out of prison. Who could it be? The seven members of the New Provo Front? The five imprisoned leaders of Liberté de Quebec? The nine members of the Asian Dawn movement? Looks like we’re going to have to watch some kid on a motorcycle for a while before we find out.

Aha! It’s Michael Douglas! Man, he looks rough. He has just been in prison though. I like his ‘mobile’ phone. Americans don’t really call them that though do they? This trailer is obviously targeted at a more European audience. Nice to see Gordon Gekko back – he has nice taste in suits. John Phillips, London. I have two myself.

‘Someone reminded me I once said “greed is good”. Now it seems it’s legal.’ You mean, someone reminded me that this trailer was for the sequel to a movie that anyone under 25 will have completely no knowledge of. And was greed not legal in the 80s? ‘No matter how much money you make, Mr Gekko, you’ll never be rich.’ Doesn’t sound as if Shia LaBeouf was very good at maths in school.

And now the title tells us that ‘Money Never Sleeps’. This is not a good title. Still, Mr Douglas looks like he’s having fun. A greedy 80s anti-hero having fun… I think I can relate to that.

VERDICT: Thank you Mr Cowboy, I’ll take it under advisement.

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Trucks. Lots of trucks. And helicopters. This looks good. ‘One year ago…’ – did they lift that line from The Dark Knight trailer? ‘… an elite commando unit was sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit.’ Oh no, no mention of ‘cops and lawyers’ in this one. Tell me this, do elite commando units ever get sent to prison for crimes they did commit? How does the voiceover guy know they didn’t do it?

I keep feeling like I’m falling asleep during this trailer – my eyes appear to be opening and closing every second. Oh, hang on, it’s just the lazy fade-to-darkness bit that every trailer has these days. ‘If you have a problem…’ Yes, in fact I do, your trailer is hurting my head.

Few more explosions… some lame quips… at least they’re being faithful to the original source material. Now they’re on a plane. Haha! If you look closely behind Murdock you will see that BA is sleeping, must have drank some ‘milk’ before the flight. Now they are in a tank falling from the sky. This is silly. But it could be a good kind of silly.

‘There is no Plan B.’ Oh dear. Let’s hope Plan A is good enough.

VERDICT: I’m going to count to three. There will not be a four

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Okay. Cameron Diaz has bumped into Tom Cruise at the airport. That must happen all the time. Let’s hope this is better than Vanilla Sky. Now she’s telling some guy who isn’t Tom Cruise a story. Why are all American films set in diners? Now Tom Cruise is killing guys on a plane. Please, please don’t let this be a remake of Mission: Impossible 2. That would be most unfortunate. Now Cameron Diaz is dressing for a wedding. But where is Julia Roberts? And where is, uh, Dermot Mulroney?

Hey… Tom Cruise just fell off a falling motorcycle and landed on a car. That bit raised a smile. He is talking to Cameron Diaz through the glass. Why doesn’t he just SHOOT THE GLASS!? ‘Whoo, this is wild!’ Yes, Tom Cruise, it sure is. Now he is in the diner. He’s pointing a gun. ‘No one follows us, or I kill myself and then her.’ I could teach him a thing or two about hostage-taking etiquette.

Now Tom Cruise has a lot of guns. This really does look like a Mission: Impossible 2 remake. Hang on… I hear Muse on the soundtrack. Does every trailer now have to have Muse on its soundtrack? This movie is called Knight And Day. Why? Are those the characters’ names? Will it be like Dempsey and Makepeace? Or Hart To Hart? Or Mission: Impossible 2?

Despite my slight reservations, this looks fun. And the trailer has quite an original structure. Right, it’s time for my verdict…

VERDICT: Thank you Mr Cowboy, I’ll take it under advisement.

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John Wayne? Rambo? Marshall Dillon? No, it’s super terrorist and exceptional thief Hans Gruber, back on RvR to take a look at the latest trailers.

Sand. Persian looking fellows. That’s Jake Gyllenhaal, I am correct? This must be that awful Prince of Persia rubbish – turn it off, it offends me. That’s surely a Gorgon, stolen from the myth of Perseus? Are there no depths Walt will not sink to? I hear you, Pete Postlethwaite: somebody must say ‘enough’. Hmmm…perhaps this burly chap will? It looks like Sam Worthington from that last Terminator film. Oh the music has just jumped ahead a few millennia. There’s that chap in the cloak pointing at me again.

Ah. Giant scorpions. Dragons. Is that a godly Liam Neeson? This is more like it. This music is very Muse – this is earning points by the second. Scorpions again, this time assisting percussion. That thing’s from Pan’s Labyrinth. The camerawork is very fast – I was under the impression that action films were only permitted to be shot in slow motion?

TITANS. WILL. CLASH. Oh Dear. And it was going so well. STARS WILL WAR. FICTION WILL PULP. LOST ARKS WILL BE RAIDED. SUSPECTS WILL BE USUAL. PRIVATE RYAN WILL BE SAVED. COUPLES WILL RETREAT.

Actually, it’s genius, it works with anything.

VERDICT: Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho.

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Yes, I am back. And this time I’m reviewing the teaser trailer for the new film by Christopher Nolan. I wanted this to be professional, efficient, adult, co-operative. Not a lot to ask…

‘From Christopher Nolan’. He’s quite a good director, isn’t he? Then why are they using the same music they used for the Transformers 2 trailer? There’s a spinning top. Symbolism, in a trailer? Looks like I might have to use my brain in this film.

Overhead shot of a cityscape – is this the new Batman movie? It’s got brains and a big city, what this movie needs now is a star… it’s Leo! Is DiCaprio Batman? Is he The Riddler? He’s in a helicopter on the roof of a tall building like that scene where Morgan Freeman goes to Hong Kong in Batman. Is Leo Batman? Oh, now there’s a clip of water moving around in a glass. Is this Jurassic Park 4? ‘Your mind is the scene of the crime…’ Yes, yes, but who’s carrying out the crimes? Catwoman? The Penguin? Is Leo Batman?

A corridor is all slanty – this is Batman! Nolan is returning to the roots of the 60s TV show! BIFF! BOSH! OOMPH! Brilliant! Someone is having a bath now and that fight in the slanty corridor is still going on – GAZAP! There’s a ticking clock. Leo has just woken up – it looks like he’s on a train now.

The camera is panning up from the streets to reveal the name of the film like in the Sin City trailer – it is a comic book movie! And the title is… Batman! – No, it’s called Inception. Which, if you say it really quickly, sounds a little like Batman. Is Leo Batman?

VERDICT: Thank you Mr Cowboy, I’ll take it under advisement.

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Ah, the Event Horizon, must be a sequel. No wait, that’s the craft from the Enterprise TV series opening credits, I am certain of it. That’s one of the robots from the new Terminator movie surely? Perhaps this is a young Professor X over to tell me it’s another X-men Origins film. Like we need another of those.

I see they’ve painted the power loader from Alien a charming grey. Oh, it’s that chap from Terminator: Salvation, I knew this was a Terminator sequel. And what, pray tell, is that? Well at least it didn’t open its eyes as the music climaxed – finally, something original. It’s all looking a bit Minority Report now. Sliders/Dr Who stock effects, perhaps a big screen transition for one of them? I’ve got it - Thundercats: The Movie. That is a taller, thinner Panthro, no? With hair?

That’s a Hornet from Halo. That’s that big cat thing from Revenge of the Sith. That’s Lothlorien forest from Lord of the Rings. That’s a Nazgul Fell Beast from Lord of the Rings too. Oh, it’s called Avatar. Might I suggest ‘Rise of the Plague’ as a subtitle? A lot of ‘homages’ in there - though they are all homages to good stuff.

VERDICT: Thank you Mr Cowboy, I’ll take it under advisement.

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He is the internet’s evilest trailer reviewer, Hans down. This time he’s critiquing Terry Gilliam’s latest trip into his own imaginaration, accompanied by an all-star cast. But how many stars will Mr Gruber bestow?

Fifteen seconds in, and I have absolutely no idea what is going on here. What is up with that guy’s voice? He really shouldn’t be smoking, he sounds like his throat cancer has cancer. ‘Any child would at the age of 16 belong to him’ – oh dear, what sort of a film is this? It may struggle to get a 12A rating. Ah, the late, great Mr Ledger… and the small, untall Mr Me.

This music is rather catchy. Forty seconds into this trailer and I’m already sick of the sight of that mask. Is this how they are going to get around the problem of Ledger’s mortality? A moment please… isn’t that Mr Depp? No, it’s Mr Ledger again… wait, it was Mr Depp… and Mr effing Farrell? And Mr Law… my, the ladies will be pleased. Terry Gilliam is still alive? Perhaps not, it doesnt seem to be a criteria for involvement in this film: Jude Law is in it, after all. ‘Nothing’s permanent, not even death,’ Mr Depp creepily retorts on cue. Apparently not. The superlative generator seems to be alive and well, mind.

VERDICT: Thank you Mr Cowboy, I’ll take it under advisement.

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