The big giant end of the year New Year’s Eve battle
Last year we had Valentine’s Day, this year it’s New Year’s Eve, which is released this week. A dozens-strong all-star cast turn up, shoot a couple of scenes, get paid, movie execs make millions, audiences have one potentially crap film broken down into lots of nice, easy-to-manage little pieces – everybody wins. Be warned though: Christmas Day, All Hallow’s Eve, St Patrick’s Day, St Swithin’s Day, A Random Person’s Birthday will all follow. Here, Ross McD and Ross McG from pit the cast against each other.
Robert De Niro
New Year’s Eve wish: that he would quit propping up crummy festive flicks and get back to some acting.
Happy new year: Raging Bull. No one punches a wall or accuses his brother of doing something nasty with his wife like Bobby.
Crappy new year: Righteous Kill. A bit like Heat in that it stars De Niro and Pacino. Also a bit like Heated dog poo. It stinks.
New year’s Eve wish: that she would return to the role of Catwoman instead of Anne Hathaway for The Dark Knight Rises
Happy new year: Wolf. Anyone who can convincingly pretend to be attracted to a hairy Jack Nicholson deserves some respect. See also The Witches Of Eastwick.
Crappy new year: Dangerous Minds. So unCoolio it’s bloody freezing.
New Year’s Eve wish: that I could have his startlingly brilliant hair
Happy new year: 17 Again. Matthew Perry wishes he looked like Zac Efron when he was 17.
Crappy new year: High School Musical. In my school, singing and dancing would have landed you in detention.
New Year’s Eve wish: that she won’t be in any more Spy Kids movies. That there won’t be any more Spy Kids movies.
Happy new year: Sin City. Hard to get distracted from a CGI-ed Mickey Rourke. Except by a CGI-ed almost naked lady.
Crappy new year: Sucker Punch. About as much fun as being punched in the crotch for two hours.
New Year’s Eve wish: that he will be the lead man in Fast And The Furious 6
Happy new year: Fast And The Furious 5. The Godfather: Part II of Paul Walker car flicks.
Crappy new year: Crash. He does steal a car, but there’s no Paul Walker.
New Year’s Eve wish: that she would play the lead in a Commando reboot.
Happy new year: Commando. She’s John Matrix’s daughter. Which makes her infinitely cooler than Neo from The Matrix. Or The Matrix that Optimus Prime hides in his belly.
Crappy new year: She gets a free pass. She was in frickin’ Commando, man!
New Year’s Eve wish: that she doesn’t go off the rails like every other child actress.
Happy new year: She’ll always be Little Miss Sunshine. Although Zombieland runs it a close second.
Crappy new year: No Reservations. Catherine Zeta-Jones is a chef who tried to hook up with Harvey Dent. As awful as it sounds.
New Year’s Eve wish: that she burns every copy of PS I Love You. DVD and the book.
Happy new year: The Next Karate Kid. Probably the third best Karate Kid film ever.
Crappy new year: PS I Haven’t Forgotten How Shite That Film Was
New Year’s Eve wish: that people would stop confusing him with Johnny Knoxville
Happy new year: Transformers. More than meets the eye
Crappy new year: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. A big steaming pile of crap in disguise.
New Year’s Eve wish: to regain the number one spot on the ‘Hottest Jessicas’ list, ahead of Alba and Rabbit
Happy new year: Blade Trinity. Manages to make a ‘music to kill vampires by’ iPod playlist without cringing once. Bravo.
Crappy new year: I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry. An abusive relationship for anyone that watched it.
Jon Bon Jovi
New Year’s Eve wish: to still look 30 when he’s 50. Only three months to go…
Happy new year: Livin on a Prayer. Everyone thinks they can sing it, no-one can
Crappy new year: Have a Nice Day. Try singing in you head without giving up and going back to Livin On A Prayer
New Year’s Eve wish: to make a successful leap to film. Will this be it?
Happy new year: Glee Season 1. Showtunes! Silly Storylines! Slushis! Sue Sylvester!
Crappy new year: Glee Season 3. Showtunes… silly storylines…slushies… Sue Sylvester…
New Year’s Eve wish: to play the lead in the Under Siege reboot, reprising her role as Casey Ryback’s daughter. Maybe she could team up with John Matrix’s daughter?
Happy new year: Knocked Up. Made us believe she could sleep with Seth Rogan – now that is acting.
Crappy new year: The Ugly Truth. Couldn’t even upstage co-star Gerard Butler – now that is an ugly truth
New Year’s Eve wish: not to become Charlie Sheen II
Happy new year: The Butterfly Effect. It’s actually quite good! No, seriously!
Crappy new year: What Happens In Vegas. It didn’t stay there unfortunately
Sarah Jessica Parker
New Year’s Eve wish: to star in the inbetween series linking Sex and the City to The Golden Girls.
Happy new year: Hocus Pocus. Saved the production team a bomb in make-up by playing a witch
Crappy new year: Failure to Launch. If only there had been
New Year’s Eve wish: that she would return to the role of Catwoman instead of Anne Hathaway for The Dark Knight Rises
Happy new year: Monster’s Ball. Not to be confused with Pokéballs, which are used for catching Pokémon in Japanese
Crappy new year: Catwoman. Not to be confused with a DVD you should actually insert into a DVD player